I hate roller coasters!

This is the very 1st picture on my phone memory... it's from a trip Vanessa and I took back in 2009 for our 2nd year anniversary.  This was taken at Busch Gardens (1 of her favorite places) just before she took me on a roller coaster spree...

While talking with a co-worker today, I was asked how things were going, to which I responded, "it's an up and down roller coaster."  Then it hit me... I hate roller coasters.  I mean literally.  Some of my worst memories are from trying to ride the things.  I always argued with Vanessa and the girls that roller coasters impact fat people differently... it's true!  Newton's Second Law of Motion states: The net force on an object is equal to the mass of the object multiplied by the acceleration of the object.  AND I GOT A LOT OF MASS!

I remember Vanessa and I went to Busch Gardens for our anniversary back in 2009.  We stayed there for a week in a couple different B&B's and did the tourist thing around Williamsburg, a few days at Busch Gardens and a bunch of wineries.

While at Busch Gardens, after a few beers, Vanessa finally convinced me to ride a few roller coasters with her.  We laughed and it wasn't too bad.  But, to be honest, I never opened my eyes on the things.  I'd just wedge myself in the seat, hold on tight and close my eyes until it was over.  I'd just make it through the ride... that was my goal.  Luckily, we stopped and focused on more 'old people stuff', like our beautiful pottery below (it's still displayed in our kitchen today)

Well, later that night we got ready for bed and every time I closed my eyes, it felt like I was back on the roller coaster... it was literally making me sick and every time I closed my eyes, it made me feel as if I was dropping on a ride.  I didn't sleep much that night, much like I'm doing tonight.  I've just got too many feelings in my head and just can't close my eyes.

I don't have many poignant sayings tonight, I don't have any life changing statements like in yesterday's post and finding that amazing message from Vanessa and all the sobbing.  However, I am in the realization that I'm on this roller coaster whether I like it or not.  All I want to do is just close my eyes and get it over with, but this ride doesn't end.

I'm lucky for my girls, and can't stress how much joy they give me and how lucky I am to have the relationships I have with them. I miss Vanessa as much as ever... probably even more tonight?  I just spent the past 2 hours looking at all of our Facebook posts.  She was on Facebook from 2005 until.  I was on it from 2010 until.  I wish we both still had our Myspace pages, but we both instantly deleted those when we 1st started dating :)  Vanessa had too many college posts on her's and I had a few issues with mine to hide.  Just looking at all the posts and pictures brought back a million emotions, and honestly, made me realize I've been on this ride for the past decade.  The only difference is, it's been climbing up... we've had so many joys I've never even looked down at how high we were.  We had a few 'side to side turns', don't get me wrong... it's not all been perfect.  But, our marriage and friendship was like nothing else I've ever experienced.

I'm glad I kept my eyes open for this ride, cause I would have hated missing one second if I had walked away when things got tough, or when we didn't see eye to eye.  I'm glad for every second.

I've fallen pretty far the past few weeks, but my daughters, family and friends are taking me back up.  I have the occasional 'drop' from time to time if I let my mind wander, and I let sadness throw me.  But, I guess that's the thrill and joy of a roller coaster?  Maybe I can learn to enjoy the ride?

In closing, I got the much needed opportunity to talk with Madison tonight about her mom.  I've been so worried about her not crying or showing any real sadness.  I just wanted her to know it's okay to cry and to feel sad from time to time.  There's going to be times she really misses her mom, and it's okay to cry about them.  I wanted her to know that I am crying from time to time, but the thing that makes me stop is the realization of where her mom is today.

We both shared a few tears on the ride home tonight, but as always, our prayers went to heaven and straight to God and her mom... and that makes our hearts smile.  I found a letter from one of our family friends that was wrote to Madison.  It was a beautiful letter that described all the emotions and feelings she would be facing.  This family friend had lost her mom and shared her experience so graciously with Madison... it was the perfect accompaniment to our previous conversation tonight.  It was pretty amazing coming from a Buffalo Bills fan?!?! ;)  I'm glad my new organizational skills allowed me to locate the letter...

I'm hoping to get some sleep... I've cleaned, done dishes, organized the fridge, vacuumed, and as stated above, even came up with an organization system for all the mail that's pouring in...

I'm sure Vanessa is smiling down from heaven tonight with me finding yet another way to stack stuff, but I know she's smiling at how well the girls and I have continued on... cleaned, school work, my job, and I've even caught up on all the laundry!?!?!  Miracles do happen!

I miss her, but now understand the joys of the roller coaster a little better.  Still doesn't mean I'm going to squeeze my fat butt in one of those tiny seats, but I can understand the joy of the ups and downs, and I know that when this ride stops one day... it will be the greatest thrill ever!