You know when you know... you know?

Finding 'the one' doesn't always happen... I don't know why Vanessa and I were brought together, and I'm struggling with the fact she was taken.  I was very productive this morning at work, but when I stumbled across some reminders, the rest of the afternoon was a struggle

I made the mistake of looking at old emails during my lunch break today.  I have debated all day about posting this with it being so private, but it's stuck in my head and I really don't feel like being awake all night. I pray my daughters will know what love should look like and be based off of.  Now granted, Vanessa and I weren't always 'perfect loving Christians'... we did have our occasional drunken arguments among other things.  BUT, our love was founded on principles that I think are required to make any marriage or relationship last... you'll read about them in her email.

Below is her 1st email to me... after our 1st date... and I knew right away, she was the one for me...

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01/17/07 at 1:57 AM

During my 3 plus hours (including the times I had to turn
around, getting lost) of riding in the car back to VA, I had
plenty of time to reflect on the weekend and just what I
wanted... and the reasons behind it, so here it goes…

My reason for coming to Pamlico to visit you:

To see if we would actually work out and to find out
the real you. To see if I am comfortable around you.
I knew and now realize after being in Pamlico how much it
means to you. So it was more of observing you in your “natural
environment.” :)

Also to let it sink in that you are a father and that it is
something to not take lightly when it comes to getting
involved in a relationship. I knew you had kids, you talked
about them but it has never been a factor in deciding whether
you were something I wanted to pursue. So at first I thought
maybe I was just in denial and once I actually saw that you
were a father that it would become a factor and I would
rethink my decision about liking you.

What I like about you: Here we go…

Let’s just touch on the morals and religion part since I have
made a lot of references to God already. By no means am I the
most religious person because God knows I drink like a fish
but I love going to church on Sunday. I love singing in the
choir and being with my family at church. I honestly with my
heart believe God has a purpose for each and everyone and
that he doesn’t promise it will be easy but he will be right
beside you to guide you. Every mistake every road taken
teaches you something and everyone you encounter you can
learn from. Relating this back to you after I have rambled on
it is very honorable, respectable and says a lot about your
character that you pray before each meal and take your girls
to church. You have no idea how important it is for me and
means to me. I think that everyone has a free choice to what
and whether they believe but that you should do all that you
can to guide them in the right direction. I just couldn’t
imagine after some things that you have been through that you
still feel it is important to take your girls to church.
Makes me happy thinking about it.

I just like you being you and comparing this to past
relationships and in general it was more of the longing to be
physical.  With you it is so much more than that and has
subsistence to it. I just want to lay on the couch with you
and laugh and tell you everything that I have ever thought,
learned and been happy about. (I think this is my scary,
creepy part of the email) Also, side note, I type like I am
actually talking to the person and you did that in your email
earlier and I cracked up because it had so many “…”
I honestly don’t go looking for things we have in common
either it is just you will say something and/or do something
and it is just creepily so like me that I have to laugh
because I see me doing it. And I have never said creepy as
much as I have this month in a whole year. Ha ha back on task…

I like that you are optimistic, goodness you have no idea. I
think this is the biggest factor in why I like you so much
because you always find those people that are optimistic yet
hard on their selves. Everyone has bad times, fact of life.
That is all I will say about that because optimism speaks for
itself, and best way to describe it “happy people, make me
happy.” :)

This isn't proofread nor did i reread it because im tired and
honestly i cant stress over it because i wrote it at one
point for some purpose and the way i said it for some reason
and i didnt edit it after i got off the phone with you
haha :) goodnight i miss you so much and just want to be with
you right now.

Vanessa
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Again, I probably shouldn't have shared this, but I think the positives far out weigh the negatives... I loved that woman so much from day one, and anyone around us then could see it!  We had it bad for each other...

We would joke about it by saying, "you know when you know... you know?" meaning we just knew we were meant to be together.  My sister Kristy picked on me constantly saying I was worse than being smitten... I was the 'Smut of the smitten.'  Vanessa even racked up a $1000 cell phone bill during the 1st month of us being together... back before unlimited text plans.  Her dad jokes us to this day saying, "I love you... no, I love you... no, I love you."

What people didn't see was the faith in God and the foundation our relationship started on.  Vanessa use to freak me out when she said she was praying for our girls and their 'future husbands.'  It made me very uncomfortable, but she would say... he's out there whether you like it or not.  You need to be praying to God that he's making the right choices and will be a positive influence in the life of you daughter.

I pray that my daughters find someone like Vanessa in their lives.  Someone to love them, argue with them, build them up, challenge them, but most importantly, make them grow in their relationship with God.  This is why I am sharing... I pray this blog brings someone closer to God.  I pray it helps my girls (and any kid out there dating) understand what it takes to make a relationship work.  It's not always pretty.  There's ups, downs, good days, bad days, laughs, tears and the occasional fight.

Vanessa and I loved each other in the beginning when things were new.  We loved each other through the middle when times were good and when times got bad.  We loved each other through all the sickness and pain... because of what we started with and what we built upon.

This is why I love her so much more today.

I feel better now that I've said it :)  Tonight was an eventful evening with Annie's team winning at Plymouth to make the 1A State Final Four in basketball!?!?!  Also, Madison plays in her Final Four basketball game tomorrow night.  The calendar is filling back up and it's good to see them all smiling again. Like everything else, being at the game tonight reminded me of Vanessa.  She and I made the trip to Plymouth to watch our girl's basketball team last year in the same round... without us having a kid on the team.  She was just always there...