The day after

I've come to the realization that my 'mental purges' on Facebook/Instagram have exceeded the space allowed. Also, many people may not want to read everything on my mind.  It gets pretty confused and jumbled up there.  There's a time and a place for everything.  Before, I used Instagram and Facebook as a way to ask for prayer for my family and Vanessa.  It was a great tool and there were many times that I was amazed by the comments and shares. I could visually see the hope and determination in Vanessa's eyes as she would read through so many of the comments of encouragement, prayer and love.  Also, Instagram stops after 2,200 characters... making me shut up and keep things to the point.  Well, that ain't happening here.  Madison wanted to stay the night with my mom, and I honestly wasn't ready for it! But, I've got to grow up sometime. So, if I'm going to sleep anytime tonight, I need to get this out of my head.

Losing Vanessa is undoubtedly the most difficult thing I have ever gone through.  The past few days have been a blur filled with a lot of emotions... sadness, laughs in shared memories, anger, peace, and on and on.  One thing is certain, the last few days have been filled with miracles and guidance from Vanessa's spirit.  I wanted to share the events from Friday earlier, but I have made a promise to myself to turn off the phone and focus on my girls when they need me. Tonight I have no excuse. I hope to try and read through some of the messages from friends and family. It's been hard. I appreciate the love shown, but each message makes me miss her a little more.  First things first, lets get Friday out of my head and I'll fill it up again tonight if I can't fall asleep.

The funeral service Thursday was nothing short of a miracle. I was beyond 'out of it' mentally with every decision I had to make.  The only thing that made it happen was the guidance left from Vanessa.  She had entered her wishes in a journal, 2 years to the date before she passed away, February 19th, 2015. Call it coincidence, I call it God's plan...

There are very few things in life that are 'perfect.' And honestly, I was in complete OCD mode with Vanessa's service and wanted to make it a true testament to the amazing woman she was. I had a few issues with the funeral home, but the LOVE, the MEAL, the MUSIC and MESSAGE from Two Rivers Church was UNDOUBTEDLY under the direction of God. I could not have imagined (even though I had tried to plan it) a more beautiful tribute to the life of Vanessa. I love my Two Rivers Church family and can never thank them enough for what they did in honoring my wife.

I asked for a mile and they traveled to the moon & back! I am forever thankful!

Below is a small excerpt of Dave's 16 page message.  I hope to be able to post the entire thing online one day. There may even be a chance that the church posts a video of the service...

Thursday after the funeral I felt at peace. Everything had gone absolutely perfect except 2 things.
1) A stain on Vanessa's casket liner from our makeup (which I scrubbed out like a maniac over a 5 minute period... this is only funny due to the fact Vanessa had done this to me after every meal I had over the last 10 years)
2) Was a 'sales pitch' given by the Funeral Director at the conclusion of the service.  I honestly didn't pay much attention to it, but several people stated he stopped just short of passing out business cards... more on this later.
Back to the feeling of peace, the family came together at the church for a wonderful meal and spent time together.  It was the perfect thing following the service.

Later that night, I had to have a few moments to myself. I decided to spend time out by our fire pit. The smell of the fire reminded me of all the nights Vanessa and I had spent together just enjoying conversation. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks... I was lost. Everything I had been focusing on was gone. It felt like a puzzle that had been dropped and the pieces scattered.  Luckily Madison came to my rescue and said she was tired and ready for bed.  I was able to get a few hours of sleep that night, but sat there most of the night thinking about the mistake I had made by not using Bryant Funeral Home!?!?! Vanessa was an adopted 'County Girl' through our marriage. She should have been with Bryant.  In my haze following her death, I had no clue where to turn. I told the hospital to take her to the closest place between the hospital and the church... that was Cotton. Unfortunately, I had issues with them for my sister Kristy's funeral service... I felt horrible.

Another thing running through my brain was the image of a young woman out front of Cotton on Tuesday... the image was haunting me. She was crying hysterically because of the business that is death. Cotton requires payment in full before any service is preformed. I had learned the hard way following the death of my sister. I was somewhat prepared with Vanessa, but it broke my heart to see someone in that predicament.  I now feel led to create some type of awareness campaign, or informational handout, that can guide people when choosing something as important as a funeral home. It's my fault for not doing prior planning, but I felt that doing so was 'giving up' on Vanessa. The truth is, we all will face death some day. If you can plan, plan. If you are faced with an unexpected death, I hope that there will some day be a step in-between hearing, 'you have just lost a loved one', and then immediately choosing a funeral home.  I want to do something.

Lastly, I needed to return some thanks to those that made her service so special.  I wanted to find some type of gifts for the people at Two Rivers that had been so instrumental in making Vanessa's service so wonderful.  I now had 3 goals for the next day... I had something to look forward to, and holding Madison, I finally fell asleep...

The next morning I felt great! I got a few hours of sleep for the first time in weeks, and Madison woke up beside me and asked to go eat breakfast after we dropped Annie off at school. While taking Ricky (our dog) outside, I looked up to see the most beautiful image... it looked like the sun was beaming directly at me as it rose. It gave me a feeling of joy and peace that can't be explained. I felt like Vanessa was reaching from heaven to hug me that morning. Below is an image behind my house of that morning. The image doesn't give it justice, but you can see the light as it shown through the trees... directly at me.

After dropping Annie off to school, Madison and I went for breakfast at one of Vanessa's favorite places, Charlie's (I told you she was a County Girl!).  Madison of course ordered Vanessa's favorite, french toast. On the way home she blindsided me with the hardest question I had ever faced. Madison asked, "If you could have mom come back from Heaven, would you?"  I was speechless.  I thought and answered as honestly as I could. I told her that 'I' would like to hold mom again. To see her face and be with her... that was my selfishness. But, mom was now in a place with no pain, no sadness. Mom was in a place of perfection for eternity. I did my best to explain eternity, and told her that it was now our job to follow after mom and to one day join her in that perfect place. I can honestly say that I did not answer that one on my own... I had someone guiding me with that answer.

We returned home to see Pow-Pow (Vanessa's Dad) and Meg planting flowers in the yard. It was a great feeling to see them caring for her memory and leaving reminders of her that will pop up over the year's ahead. I then had to go back down the county and to Goldsboro to pick up 'gifts' for some of the church. These gifts were nothing I had to buy, but had been given to Vanessa. Several friends had offered tickets to the UVA-NC State basketball game (Vanessa's favorite team was UVA... also, the favorite team of our preacher).  These gifts were not thought of, or given by me, it was yet another example of Vanessa making things right and returning the favor. While down the County, I stopped by Bryant Funeral Home to apologize for the one mistake I had made regarding her burial. I should have used Bryant, and I was going to make sure my kids did not have to make the choice. I am making my arrangements with them and will do my best to make sure others will have the knowledge they need to do the same.

I finished the afternoon by stopping by Cotton to state my concerns over the lady out front crying and the 'sales pitch' that was said at the conclusion of Vanessa's service. I wanted to make sure it was done face to face. I felt things were complete other than dropping off the last gifts. I felt Vanessa would be proud, so I decided to stop by the grave to visit...

Stopping at the grave was not easy. I was composed until I looked down and saw the word 'Dink' written in the dirt around her grave. There was no doubt it was from her dad. Dink was her nickname and he called her that all the time. I began to ball like a baby. I hurt and could not stop crying...

As I sat there sobbing, I happened to pick my head up and couldn't believe the sight in front of me. The same ray of light peered through the trees directly at me. I can't explain the feeling, but it helped stop the tears and made me feel at ease. I am thankful for all the memories we shared. I am thankful for the time we had, and I am thankful for the love she showed that will one day direct me to be by her side once again...

There are so many other stories that I want to share that took place over the last weeks of Vanessa's life, and the week after her passing.  From the Buddy the Elf suit that our worship leader, Greg Coverdale, was willing to wear; to the story of Carissa Sanders, From the Heart Florist, preparing the Sigma Kappa themed casket spray (and the countless Valentines Day's she had helped me... even when I bought flowers from grocery stores); to the surprise visit from Jeremy Forbes in the hospital at 2:00am, and on, and on.  Maybe I will find time to share them, but for now, my mind is a little less full and I feel that I may be able to sleep?!?!?!  With that said, I plan to pray before bed and to end my prayer the way I have for the past 10 years after meeting Vanessa. "God, help me be a better Christian, a better father and a better husband."  Because of Vanessa, I feel that I am better at all 3 today.

I LOVE YOU MORE VANESSA!