"Normal" Work Day...

After last night's blogging I realized Madison had gotten in her bed without even asking to sleep in my room.  We had said our prayers and she went right to sleep... she's lucky.  She amazes me with her peace with all of this.  I hope it continues, but I was worried about her returning to school.

I sat up in bed dreading Monday.  I wasn't ready for the girls to go back to school, or me to go back to work.  I missed Vanessa and wanted to hear her voice again.  I went through my phone looking for videos just to hear her voice.  I listened to her speech at Get Your Pink On, and for the 'Don't Ignore Stage IV' campaign... https://www.facebook.com/cowellanderson/videos/10100290560396812/

I just wanted to hear her talk to me.  I wanted to ask her what to do about Madison.  And then it hit me... her phone! Maybe she had a few videos on her phone?  I plugged in her phone and eagerly awaited it to turn on.  As soon as it opened I got really depressed.  Her screensaver was a picture of us in our Steelers wear at Christmas hugging... it made me miss her.  There was also an app she had downloaded for our upcoming trip to Scotland... it made me mad that will miss out on so many things together (this could be a novel/blog in itself!).

When I regained my focus from wandering about all that will be missed, I looked for her media gallery.  One of the very last pictures she took was a ride we had with the 4-wheeler.  She was not feeling good that day (2 Sunday's ago), so I helped her get to the 4-wheeler and we rode the afternoon away.  She loved just riding through the woods.  The picture below was taken by her when we were headed back to the house.  We both were just awestruck by the sun as we made our way back to the house.  When we got home and in the house, Thomas Rhett's 'Die a Happy Man' was playing on our radio.  I stopped, took her hands, and attempted to dance (something I'm not very good at).  We both held each other and cried... the quest for a video had taken a bad turn and I was really not feeling good about the next day now.  It's crazy how 1 picture can bring back so many emotions, and here I am holding hundreds of her pictures just before trying to go to bed... not a good combination!

Somehow, I remembered what I was supposed to be looking for on her phone in the first place... the video.  I then opened her videos and found the following short, simple, perfect and amazing 4 second video clip.  Just an image of her blanket as she sat in the hospital the week before, and the 1 sentence, "You know what the girls can handle."  Couldn't be anymore direct than that?!?!

I eventually fell asleep with a little more peace in the day ahead.  This morning was amazing with all sorts of reminders at good thoughts as we got ready for work and school.  First, I couldn't help but notice the plant Vanessa was obsessed with, was finally blooming... it was one of the only plants she had 'successfully' nurtured...

Happy from the flower, I turned on the radio... wouldn't you know it, Bob Marley, "3 Little Birds"  Now, I'm singing, "don't worry, about a thing..."  The day can't start much better than that.  I got the girls out the door on time for school and sat down to enjoy my coffee before heading into work.  I couldn't help but feel the sun on my face and thought about 'Let me feel you shine' from Crowder.  I asked Pandora to play Crowder... instead of the happy upbeat song, I got a sad song from her funeral, 'He loves us' by Crowder.  My mood crashed and I was not feeling the day ahead now.  Sitting at the table, I began to feel the sun radiating on my face.  My cheek burned from the glaring sun beaming through the bay window.  It felt as if Vanessa was pressing her face against mine... what an amazing feeling.

When 'He loves us' stopped, it was followed by Chris Tomlin's 'How great is our God'... I could leave the house now... all I think about when I hear that song is Mike Twine singing in a Pakistani voice.  I laughed and then made my way to the office.

Work wasn't too bad.  Let's just say I'm glad I don't work with heavy equipment or oversee a nuclear power-plant... my mind did wander from time to time, but I did get things accomplished.  I couldn't help but wonder how Madison was doing in school.  I finally couldn't take it anymore and called the school.  Mrs. Melanie said that Madison was doing fine and she had not been up to the front office at all.  She volunteered to head to the classroom and check, but I told her that wouldn't be needed.

I finalized things at the office and headed to the bank to make some deposits for work.  I was then headed home to meet Madison, but first thought to stop by and visit with Vanessa at the cemetery.   Everything was still the same.  Dink was still visible in the dirt by her grave, the tent was still up, and flowers still outlined the area where her casket had been laid.  The only thing different was someone had picked what looked to be camellia flowers and put in her vase.  I guess someone had seen the empty vase from my previous images and decided to bring her some?  They had begun to wilt, so I figured I would bring some flowers to her this afternoon with Madison.  I then headed home to wait for Madison.

The cemetery did give me somewhat of a downswing in my mood.  I sat home worrying about Madison and her day and I just felt down.  Then all of a sudden, Madison busts through the door screaming (in her 'normal' voice), "today was the best day ever!"  Well... I guess she managed the day okay?  She had gotten lots of love from her friends and teachers, and even got a special stuffed animal from Mrs. Potter.  I love our County Schools!

Madison and I reviewed her homework and then headed out the door to get flowers, stop by to see her mom and then head to her playoff basketball game.  We went to Michael's to get flowers, because that's where Vanessa would always go with her wreaths and arrangements.  Madison picked out some tulips for her mom... as only she could, and we headed to the cemetery to give Vanessa her flowers.

We kept the visit short and sweet... I didn't want to overdo it with Madison on her 1st visit.  Actually, I think it was perfect.  We then headed to her game, where she had a ton of rebounds and 6 points... 4 for her team and 2 for the other team!  'Some parent' kept screaming for her to grab a rebound and shoot it back up.  Well... she did!  Just happened to be on the wrong goal.  Guess I'll try to stop coaching so much from the sidelines?

It was a great game and I'm sure her mom was smiling down the entire time.  We came home, had dinner and then showered.  I had her read for a half hour and before we knew it, it was bedtime.  We made it through the day with no train wreck!!!

I am going to try and refrain from 'blogging' tomorrow.  I want to save these posts for when special reminders happen, not just a journal of my random emotions.  I feel these 1st three entries are significant due to them being 'firsts.'  I just pray the days to follow continue to be filled with God's grace and Vanessa's gentle reminders... they are undoubtedly the things that are getting me through.

Goodnight and I'll see you when I can't sleep again!