The joy and pain in music and memories

In an effort to stay productive at work today, I thought I'd use my lunch time to clear a little 'mental clutter' from the past couple of days.  I've been on a roll with productivity... now that I have a great schedule with Madison at camp and some big projects at work to keep me occupied.

I felt really guilty yesterday afternoon following church.  I've gotten into the habit of skipping the first part of the service to avoid the music.  This really has been bothering me, especially because our church has such a great praise team and the fact that music has always been a big part of my experience within church.

Unfortunately, I have discovered that music will break me down at a moments notice.  My mind races back to Vanessa in church raising her hands in praise and all the faith she kept through her trials and battle with cancer.  I am tired of crying and I try to avoid it.  I really hate crying in public and feel that I have been really good at dealing with things following her death.  I don't like trying to avoid things and live in denial, but is it better to give yourself a 'buffer' from things that will break you down and give yourself time, or just deal with it straight up?

The old me thought that once you dealt with it, it got easier and you could move on.  I have found with music and church, that I could cry every Sunday... it's crazy!?!?!?  Again, there's nothing wrong with it... I'm touchy here too, because a nurse once got on me for trying not to cry when Vanessa was in the hospital.  She asked me what was wrong with crying, to which I had no response, and Vanessa really enjoyed seeing me in the awkward moment.

I guess what I'm getting at here is that I really miss being a part of the praise team.  I miss playing the drums.  I miss enjoying the joys of music.  But, how do you get back to that when you are constantly reminded by sadness.  I really don't want to rush back to playing, get up on stage and then have a breakdown.  Nothing worse than the drummer getting off time because he's sobbing during a song.

I'm interested to see people's responses to this...  cause I'm at a loss.  I rarely turn on the radio now or listen to music.

I'm good 99% of the time now.  I have gotten on a decent schedule, get average sleep, spend good times with the girls, I've even started exercising again and I am starting an assault on the several pounds I have packed on with my emotional eating... a must after noticing I look like Santa Claus without the beard and red suit (this will be another post, for another time).

Meg started volunteering at the church with the nursery, and I am very proud of her.  She made the statement that we need to get back involved.  I agree, but I'm just not sure where I fit in at the moment?  Religion and emotions are somewhat hypersensitive at times.  I'm not doubting my faith, I still feel I have strong faith, but I am just tired of getting emotional at times I can't control... maybe I should schedule them on my over-packed calendar?!?!?!

Honestly, I have to keep strong with the "Reverend Maddy Ray" in the house... my little 9 year old evangelical daughter keeps me on the straight and narrow :)

Lastly, and on a very positive note, I am starting to enjoy the reminders on Facebook.  For sometime, I had to avoid them to keep from getting down.  I found that the reminders were often too much to deal with.  However, after focusing on all the positives in them, I have really started enjoying them once again.

Below is a memory from 2 years ago on this day... it's too good not to share.

I'm hoping that sooner or later music will once again become a good memory that's easier to manage like these posts.  Anyways, enjoy the post from a few years ago... it really helped me put a few things in perspective today! 

Posted June 26, 2015:

Only for Vanessa...

I'm sitting here waiting for Vanessa's radioactive egg to pass, so I'm bored & thought I'd kill a little time on Facebook?... sharing a story on how she makes me a better person.

We arrived early for her study, around 12:30, hoping to hurry things along so she could eat or drink. She has not had anything since 9pm yesterday. As always, we had to sit & wait at check in, about 45 minutes. During check in we both noticed a strange man walking around with a black bag on his back. He acted a little strange & just kept pacing back & forth. On top of the strange demeanor, he was wearing a 'gas station' Tar Heel hat (I will refrain from derogatory comments). We eventually learned from his mumblings that he had been waiting for a ride home for over 3 hours. Vanessa said, "you should offer him a ride." Well, you can guess my reaction... 1st, I wasn't about to leave Vanessa alone at the doctors & 2nd, I really didn't want to be stuck in the car with that guy. I told her if he was still out front after she went back, I would give him a ride home... hoping to forget about it later.

After sitting & waiting for another 10 minutes, I got up to ask what was going on & why we had to wait (hungry). I don't get too upset, but mess with my food & I can get a bad attitude. Luckily I was met by a nurse calling Vanessa's name to go back.

We sat in the back waiting for the nurse to cook an egg for another 30 minutes... Vanessa was a lot calmer than myself. Finally, the egg was done & Vanessa went back to sit under the imaging equipment & I had to go back out front.

Wouldn't you know it, not a soul was there except the stranger needing a ride (looking more agitated than before). I walked over & offered him a ride, to which he excitingly responded yes. What followed was perhaps the strangest conversation I have ever had for 20 minutes. I dropped him off & thought as he walked inside how I take for granted so many things, & how I probably would not have thought about doing this without Vanessa's voice in my head.

I am thankful for all that I have. I joke my little Kia with no a/c, but I know that guy today would have given anything for it. Also, I'm so thankful for friends & family that would be anywhere in the drop of a hat to pick me up if needed... this guy had no one.

Give thanks for all you have & offer to share with those less fortunate... you may be taking for granted all that you have been blessed with.