She's Beautiful

Vanessa when we first met... now you see why I was so smitten :)
Unfortunately, she struggled with the effects of chemo and steroids.
But to me, she was always so beautiful, inside and out.

After last night's picture post of Vanessa, I could hear her say, "Why did you use one of my bald and swollen head pictures?"  Vanessa loved her hair.  She also wanted to set an example for Madison with her health.  She took pride in her appearance when we first met like most women do.  She struggled with weight after having Madison, but when she made it through her 1st round of cancer in 2011, she and I both felt we had been given a second chance by catching it so early.  We both lost a lot of weight.  I actually got down to 240... which was my weight my sophomore year in high school.  Unfortunately, after she was re-diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, we both became very depressed and were both emotionally eating.  To make things worse for Vanessa, she lost her hair. She (and everybody who had ever seen it) loved her beautiful dark red hair.  It was gorgeous.  She could deal with the mastectomies, scars, etc., but when she lost her hair, it really hit her hard...

This was her 1st journal entry after being diagnosed stage 4 and losing her hair.

Our 'healthy time'... after her 1st cancer scare.

She learned to cope with losing her hair and fell in love with getting extensions.  It made her so happy to be able to twirl her hair again... she constantly did that when we were 1st dating.  Another area she struggled with was the effects from all the steroids... especially with the added weight and swelling of her face.  I remember when she was able to reduce her steroids for the 1st time and she went crazy in the gym trying to beat back some of the weight gain.  I wasn't much help with my constant depression eating and beer drinking.  Looking back, I wish I had done more to help her with her fight.  She hung this paper in the room and stared at it everyday, and everyday she exercised as best she could.

Through it all she handled herself with such grace.  She learned to cope with the ups and downs, the loss of her hair and the yo-yo weight swings.  The one thing that stayed constant was her smile and her faith in God.  By enduring what she did, and telling others her story, she touched a lot of lives.

*SIDE STORY, and one that has to be told/saved.  (Sorry!, I just have to!)  After Vanessa's passing, a visitor came to the house.  We were swapping stories about Vanessa and the question of why this would happen to such a good person was asked.  I thought the woman said, "Why Vanessa? Why couldn't it have been some prostitute, why did God punish such a sweet and lovely lady?"  I don't think the word prostitute was used actually, but Meg sure heard it too!  Meg immediately commented, "Well, Vanessa certainly touched more people than a prostitute..."  I couldn't take it... I had to interrupt and tell Meg that was the WORST analogy EVER!  It made us laugh, but I'm sure the woman visiting thought we were crazy... and as you can tell from my blogging, we probably are :)

So for now, I'm losing weight, hitting the gym, and working on my health for my girls.  Vanessa always wanted us to be an example for the girls, and I feel I owe it to her, to my health, and for the girls, to start taking care of my body. Our health is a gift and we should at least work on trying to respect that gift with some care and attention.

To close out this midday blog... Vanessa's weight, hair and appearance may have changed over the years through the battle with cancer, but her smile never did... all the way until the end.  Below are just  a handful of pictures that highlight the changes, but never compromised her smile or her faith.
I LOVE YOU VANESSA!

 

 

 

 

 

Our last picture together in the hospital on Friday...
The day before her coma and 2 days before she passed.
EVEN IN PAIN, SHE WAS STILL SMILING!

Our last picture. Feb, 19th, early Sunday morning, before heading home,
I had the strange urge to take this picture... she would pass that afternoon