So, I guess sadness follows anger?

My 1st visit to Virginia to meet Vanessa's family and her friend Erica... what a night!?!?!

After last night's late posting I couldn't sleep (imagine that).  I found myself trolling Facebook looking at pictures of Vanessa (and saving them) wherever I could.  It made me smile to see all the pictures of her, and in EVERY picture, she ALWAYS had a smile.

You would think that seeing smile after smile would make me happy?  It didn't.  It seemed like the more I looked at each picture, the more I missed her and the sadder I became.  God, this sucks!!!  I was so sad of thinking about all the things we were going to miss... I had so many great memories over 10 years, but there were so many more to be made!  Through hours of pictures crying, depressed, saddened, I came across the picture below and instantly smiled...

Jan. 28, 2007: Obviously I'm celebrating my birthday a little too much & headed for disaster!
Thanks for reeling me back in Erica and helping prevent a train wreck later on that night!  -_-

This picture, and the picture above it, were on my birthday back in 2007.  The 'evil eyebrow' in the 2nd picture means things are not going to end well... but, let's start a little earlier.  You may have already read my earlier blog about Vanessa coming down to meet my family and the girls.  We had a great time and it was everything I could have ever hoped for.  So naturally, Vanessa wanted me to come meet her family.

I drove up to Virginia to meet her family for the very first time on Saturday, Jan. 17th, and for a night out on the town with Vanessa and her friend Erica.  I really hadn't been out 'partying' much over the past few years, because of my status as a single mom/dad.  Before the partying began, she had me head to her house to meet her mom... who prepared one of the largest lasagnas I have ever seen, or eaten.  Being the southern boy I am, when someone makes you something, you eat as much as you can to show thanks... sometimes this is a good thing... the lasagna was great... the amount I ate was the issue.

Now, lets follow up massive amounts of eating with an interrogation from one of the most intimidating men I have ever met, Mr. Dale, Vanessa's father.  I was asked a series of calculated questions, to which I'm sure some Central Intelligence Division reviewed at an undisclosed location :)  I always joked Vanessa that her dad was Robert De Niro from 'Meet the Fockers'... and I was always on the outskirts from the 'circle of trust.'

Sorry, couldn't resist the opportunity to pick at Mr. Dale... there's no doubt he loves Vanessa.  He made that VERY clear!

Following all of those fun activities with family, Vanessa proceeds to take me out for a night on the town at a couple of her favorite bars and karaoke hangouts.  She and I stop for drinks at stop one... and I don't remember too many things past that point.  There are a few glimpses of Erica handing me a pitcher of beer and calling me out... but other than that, I really can't remember too much.  And if I could, I sure is heck ain't sharing it!  I do have a little privacy wall left.

To sum up the next day and early the next morning, let's just say, if it had been Vanessa... I don't think we would have been dating afterwards.  A few friends, and unfortunately a lot of her family now, know the rest of the story.  You may be able to bribe it out of them somehow, but I sure as hell am not posting it on here for the rest of the world to see.  Just imagine the worst thing possible, and you're probably in the ball park.

So, after my embarrassing episode, we head to church (VERY hungover) and she sings in the choir like NOTHING has happen.  I feel like I'm the child from the Exorcist, and she's clapping hands and dancing in the choir.  The rest of the day was somewhat awkward.  We talked a little bit, but I needed to get back home soon being the girls had school the next morning.

Below is the email that I received when I returned home, from one of the most embarrassing things that would have ended any relationship... her words forever changed my life...

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01/29/07 at 8:55 AM

Abraham Lincoln once said, "I want it said of me that, I
plucked a weed and planted a flower wherever I thought a
flower would grow." And that is exactly what a Christian life
is about: weeding and feeding. We stop doing things that wage
war on our soul so that we can start living by doing things
that are pleasing to God.

At first glance, the task seems overwhelming. That's when it
is important to remember that just as we pluck the noxious
plants that occupy a physical garden on weed at a time, we
also eliminate the destructive behaviors that keep us in
defeat and despair one destructive behavior at a time. Then,
having pulled the weed, we plant a flower in the now vacant
space, we weed and then we plant and feed. That is the rhythm
of the Christian life.

This week, begin the process by identifying one small, simple,
negative behavior you are ready to stop doing and one positive
habit you want to reinforce. In my bible study it talks about
eliminating one binge food and increase one life-giving food
and to prepare food differently if eliminating it is too hard
of a struggle. I just thought this bible study hits home that
you are trying to eliminate alcohol for this week. Instead
spend time in prayer to get rid of the stress you are feeling
or you are in need of motivation. Play Madden :) ha-ha and
then of course you can always, always call me.

Remember that this weed-and-feed process need not be limited
to the physical realm. Perhaps you need to destroy one
negative thought pattern and replace it with a Scripture
memory verse. The important thing is that you just pick one
negative and one positive behavior to work on this week: one
life-choking weed to pull and one life-giving plant to feed.
Don't concern yourself with the whole garden. Just work on one
small section and begin the task before you today.

One weed-and-feed behavior is to being using the words "Stop
It!" so that you can start doing what is pleasing to God. One
new behavior, applied over time, will yield big benefits.
Think of the progress you could make if you simply pulled one
weed and planted one flower every week for an entire year!
What will you do this week to weed and feed the garden God
calls you to tend as you join Him in His work?

Prayer:
Sovereign Lord, You do not ask me to do anything that is too
difficult or beyond my reach. Today, gracious God, I will say
"Stop It!" to the things that choke my faith so that I can say
yes to you. O Lord, I do not want the good word you have sown
in my heart to be unproductive. Show me what I need to stop
doing so that I can start living and loving you with all my
heart, mind, soul and strength.

Pete, you can do all things through Christ who strengthens
you. Know that I am here for you and I struggle with the same
things in my life. I know your desire to do good as that is my
desire as well. After having you at church and through us
being together I have been looking as to why God has place you
in my life. Because you know I am a firm believer in
everything has a reason and people are brought in your life to
teach you something. I believe God has placed you in my life
for two reasons and then one big reason.

The first one to tell me it is ok to be dependent on someone
at times. I have always been independent as much as I could
and know how. I rarely ever come to my friends with problems
unless it is one where you need good solid wholesome advice
and you need the hard facts told to me. I feel that it is a
burden to them and that everyone’s life is hard just people
handle them differently. With you, you want to open the door
for me. Not because you think I am helpless but it is your way
of showing me that you care for me. I’m sorry that I become
sarcastic and seem unappreciative when you do this. That I
have been trying to become better at because I know you enjoy
doing it and deep down inside I like it. However it is just a
change for me not that any other guy hasn’t done it but that I
just see it as a sign of weak rather than caring. I do
understand though now and thank you for taking the little
things in life to show me that you care and love me. Also with
the paying for everything I also know and understand that this
is your way of showing me that you care. However with this I
know how much this job pays and you have two girls at home to
take care of. It is ok to let me pay for things especially
when you come up to see me and drive such a long way. It is
only fair and it also is a way to show you how much I care and
want to reciprocate your gratitude. I live with my parents, I
can afford it! :) Anyways to sum it up God is teaching me to
be humble before him and that it is ok to lean on people from
time to time as long as they lift you up to do the work for
his kingdom.

The second reason I believe you are in my life is to encourage
me and walk alongside me in a Christian life. I have never
ever talked about God and felt comfortable talking about him
with anyone in my life even if they were a Christian. With you
I am so comfortable and I see a great desire in you to be
obedient in God and you encourage me and want me to be a good
Christian as well. That is what I like most about you. You are
no way perfect in your walk as neither am I but it is that
desire to do better that I just love. And I believe that we
have each other and focus on God nothing, absolutely nothing
can stand in our way. I know where your heart is at and it is
very honorable and respectable. Everything was right in the
world when you were with me in church yesterday. I felt like I
could do anything and that you were with me 100 percent.

And finally God has placed you in my life to be my one and
only. I cant believe that it is happening but its true and I
definitely agree that his plan is so much better than what I
had hope for in my life. You meet my expectations for the
perfect man for me and beyond exceed them. YOU ARE MY GIFT
FROM GOD! God wants nothing more than you unite two Christians
who want to do work for him. That is my desire every moment
that we are together. I want nothing more than to pray with
you and to read the bible with you. I think it would be
amazing and that is what is going to make this relationship
truly last and be all that God intended it to be and I'm ready
to start the journey with you.

Thank you for taking time out to meet my parents and I know
that they are soon going to see why you mean so much to me and
the things I love about you. This is going to sound creepy but
I see a lot of qualities of my dad in you. This is actually a
good thing because you saw yesterday, while at lunch, my
passion for my dad and how it brought tears to my eyes. I cry
those same tears when I think about how wonderful you are and
how you have blessed my life. On that note I can end I love you!

Vanessa

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I called one of my best friends, Chad, and my sister, Kristy, and told them the story.  I told them how she handled it, and the email that followed... both without hesitation said the same exact thing, "you have to marry her... you have to merry her now!"

We bounced back the idea of eloping the entire month of February, but she didn't want to disappoint her dad, and I was scared to death of him.  Things worked out, and I think I finally showed I was somewhat worthy of being with his daughter.  I always had an eye on me... and possibly several top secret security cameras.  But, when he finally saw how much I cared for his daughter, and that I would sacrifice anything for her happiness.  He let me stand "next to" the circle... hahahaha! :)

Today marked a week since Vanessa's funeral service and when her body was laid to rest.  It still doesn't seem real.  I keep looking for her beside me in the morning.  I keep looking for her when I come in at night... I don't think I'll ever be able to stop doing that?

I'm sad and I'm going to be sad for a long time to come.  We had plans of crashing the girls' tailgates when they got in college, several more Steelers Football excursions and traveling all over the US and Europe.  I feel cheated that we'll miss this together.  Sitting here looking at all the pictures of her makes me hurt for what I loss; makes me sad for what I'll miss; but makes me thankful for what we had.

Join me tomorrow when I get angry again about missing out on things with Vanessa... or whatever crazy emotion I am forced to try and cope with!!!  According to the seven steps, it looks like depression is next up?  Thank God my calendar is too full to squeeze that one in.  Sorry, I know it's not something to joke about, but I have to keep joking and I have to make myself laugh... it's my only defense from the bitter / angry feeling that's still inside of me from time to time.

I guess I'll lean on the words she typed me over 10 years ago and try pulling a weed and planting a flower?  I have a lot of 'weeds' of anger, hate and sadness from her not being with me today.  I just pray there's enough 'flowers' of memories and peace in knowing where she is now.

Maybe there's a reason for the unusually high February temperatures and all the early blooming?