I guess I should've felt this coming?

I joined the crybaby club today... don't ever want to feel like this again!

 If you do not read anything else I post, PLEASE read the message below... it's amazing how God can lift us up and give us hope when we hit rock bottom or lose our way in emotions.

I had a complete breakdown while working on the last post (with all the pictures) of Vanessa this morning before church.  It's the first time I lost control and couldn't get back my composure, and was by far, the worst feeling I have EVER had.  Looking through Facebook, it looked like today, and the last couple of days were very hard for her mom, dad, family and friends.  I saw posts that broke my heart, and unfortunately, I know how you feel.

I just got lost in the pictures and started thinking about all the memories.  I was longing to hug her. I missed her so much this morning.  I wanted to hold her hand, hug her, kiss her... just be beside her.  I had not had a breakdown for sometime and the emotions overwhelmed me like a tidal wave.  I had to lock myself in the bedroom, because I just didn't want Madison seeing me completely out of it.

This crying and pain was ugly and it felt like every sob sent my body in convulsions and left me gasping for air.  I hate feeling this way and I couldn't stop or gain composer.  I felt lost, hopeless, overwhelmed, alone and without direction.  For some reason, the fact of her being gone at the moment just choked out any hope or positive thoughts I scrambled to find... I really hope I never go back there again.  One time was certainly enough.

But, as only Vanessa could do... there was a message of love and hope directly to me at my lowest.  It was from Vanessa's thoughts, written by her hand and directly left for me on this day, I say her journal laying by the edge of the bed.  I don't know what possessed me to pick it up and open it?  The entry may have been a day early, but it was right on time for me.  I saved this post for today, March 6th, because I will use it today and everyday.  It gives me strength to move forward another day.  Here is the message I found from her journal... simply amazing!

I can't reiterate enough, I've never felt so low as I did today, and to have this message in my hands completely suppressed all the darkness, sadness, hopelessness, etc.  The entire message was beautiful, but her writing in the lower left corner made my heart explode with love.  Vanessa wrote, "The time on Earth is just a fraction of OUR life in eternity."

I thank God for her writing this... because honestly, I think I was lost at that moment... I'm talking, not getting out of the bed, I don't care about eating, sleeping, breathing, living, anything, lost.  I missed her and the gravity of having her gone was taking me down.

I thank God for that message.  I thank Vanessa for leaving it for me.  And I ask anyone who reads this to pray my focus will stay here... to stay focused on an eternal love and a reuniting in such a better place than the misery of this Earth.

I finally dried my eyes to realize Meg and Madison had left for church without me.  Meg had sent a message saying they were in the 'front right'... Vanessa's space :)  I hopped in the 'Minty Van' and made it just before Dave started the sermon.  I was able to finish out the day with time well spent with all 3 girls.

I'll cherish my time on Earth with my daughters, I'll give them everything I can and I will be here as long as God allows me to.  But, my eyes are locked on Heaven and my peace now lays on the focus of 'OUR life in eternity.'

Bring on Monday and the week!