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| Vanessa volunteering her time to stuff Easter eggs for cancer patients in New Bern. Each egg contained a treat and a handwritten inspirational message. It was these stories that I witnessed, and even more, the stories that I am learning about each day after her passing, that make me see how truly of an angel she really was... |
Last night's plan on getting to sleep before midnight didn't happen... I found myself looking at pictures once again and then made my way through her journals. The very last entry in a prayer book she had titled "Thirty-One Prayers for my Husband", was something very special to me. It was entered on January 31st and talked about my upcoming work conference. Her handwriting was nowhere near as neat as it once was due to all the previous radiation and the cancer beginning to wreck havoc on her nervous system. Regardless, I was able to read it and it astonished me that in her last weeks, dealing with everything SHE was facing... the pain, the worry, the fears... here she was, praying for my confidence and my success for a work function!?!?! She still amazes me...
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She bought prayer books for each of us, one where I prayed for her, and the other (titled above) where she prayed for me. I did the majority of the one for Vanessa, but when I went back and looked at Vanessa's, she had not only filled it out once... she was doing it a second time?!?!?
There where so many entries about how proud she was of me and how thankful she was of our relationship. It brought a joy to my heart, and after a while, I was finally able to get some sleep.
Today it hit me about how much Vanessa had helped me over the years... especially with my job. I transferred from NC Cooperative Extension to the NC Department of Agriculture just over 6 years ago. My job with Extension came natural to me and it was something I really enjoyed. However, my job with NCDA has come with a big learning curve. I've never been 100% confident with myself in this job, just because everything was new and the level of expertise in some of the subject matter is beyond measurable. Vanessa always built me up. I felt like I could do anything with her pulling for me.
I found myself thinking back after today's meeting and just laughing at what's become normal to me with my job... I rambled off financial breakdowns for our grower's association and have developed tools that help our production and our bottom-line. I thought about the conference call we had and my participation in helping facilitate the meeting. There's noway I would be where I am today without her prayers and support.
It really hit me hard following the meeting when a couple of producers and co-workers made it a point to tell me how proud they were of me, and how outstanding of a job I had done with preparing and facilitating this year's conference... while juggling everything at the hospital. Again, this was all from Vanessa supporting me and constantly reminding me I could do anything.
I found myself thinking back after today's meeting and just laughing at what's become normal to me with my job... I rambled off financial breakdowns for our grower's association and have developed tools that help our production and our bottom-line. I thought about the conference call we had and my participation in helping facilitate the meeting. There's noway I would be where I am today without her prayers and support.
It really hit me hard following the meeting when a couple of producers and co-workers made it a point to tell me how proud they were of me, and how outstanding of a job I had done with preparing and facilitating this year's conference... while juggling everything at the hospital. Again, this was all from Vanessa supporting me and constantly reminding me I could do anything.
Following the meeting, I decided to stop and treat myself, and grab the girls supper, at Bill's Hot Dogs. It was such a beautiful afternoon, and the smell of the hot dogs made me stop and take a second to enjoy one before riding home. While eating, I decided to catch up on my emails and Facebook messages. What I found was something that made me cry the entire 45 minute ride home...
A parent of a student-athlete sent the message below to me...
Good morning Pete, I have been wanting to share this with you but I was unsure how, when or where to do it... My daughter was so touched by Vanessa. I didn't even know she had a connection with her the way she did. I found out when I told her about Vanessa's passing. As soon as I told her, she looked at me and said, "Mom, no no no! I don't want to hear that." She began to cry. I hugged her and told her it would be okay. She said mom, "I LOVED HER!" Then she told me a story about the banquet, and how Vanessa came up to her and hugged her and congratulated her. Vanessa told her how she was proud of her and how she loved to watch her play. She told her that she wanted her to continue on with playing and she knew she would accomplish great things in life. My daughter never shared with me what she said to her until that day. She was still very upset so I logged on to my Facebook and pulled up your post leading up to that day. I gave her my phone and showed her where to start reading. I told her if you read this it might help. She began to read and I walked away. When I returned her eyes were filled with tears and I asked her...Did that help? She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said NO. My heart broke for her in that moment. Vanessa was a great women. She found a way to touch everybody in this county in some way or another. I debated back and forth about sending you this. I know you are hurting and I have been praying for you and your girls. I didn't want to cause you any more pain than you were already feeling. I asked my daughter this morning before school if she would mind if I told you about what happened, and she said I could. So, I said today is the day. This story has some good in it. It shows that Vanessa was a ray of sunshine no matter where she was or what she was doing. Her love spread wide and I really just wanted you to know how Vanessa has touched my daughter's life. If there is anything I can do to help you or the girls, please let me know. I will continue to pray for you, the girls and Vanessa's family.
I responded (and meant every word):
Good morning Pete, I have been wanting to share this with you but I was unsure how, when or where to do it... My daughter was so touched by Vanessa. I didn't even know she had a connection with her the way she did. I found out when I told her about Vanessa's passing. As soon as I told her, she looked at me and said, "Mom, no no no! I don't want to hear that." She began to cry. I hugged her and told her it would be okay. She said mom, "I LOVED HER!" Then she told me a story about the banquet, and how Vanessa came up to her and hugged her and congratulated her. Vanessa told her how she was proud of her and how she loved to watch her play. She told her that she wanted her to continue on with playing and she knew she would accomplish great things in life. My daughter never shared with me what she said to her until that day. She was still very upset so I logged on to my Facebook and pulled up your post leading up to that day. I gave her my phone and showed her where to start reading. I told her if you read this it might help. She began to read and I walked away. When I returned her eyes were filled with tears and I asked her...Did that help? She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said NO. My heart broke for her in that moment. Vanessa was a great women. She found a way to touch everybody in this county in some way or another. I debated back and forth about sending you this. I know you are hurting and I have been praying for you and your girls. I didn't want to cause you any more pain than you were already feeling. I asked my daughter this morning before school if she would mind if I told you about what happened, and she said I could. So, I said today is the day. This story has some good in it. It shows that Vanessa was a ray of sunshine no matter where she was or what she was doing. Her love spread wide and I really just wanted you to know how Vanessa has touched my daughter's life. If there is anything I can do to help you or the girls, please let me know. I will continue to pray for you, the girls and Vanessa's family.
I responded (and meant every word):
Thank you for sharing and I couldn't agree more... Vanessa changed my life & brought me so much closer in a relationship with God. When she & I were 1st married, I lost my sister (who was like a mom/best friend to me). She was only 35 when she passed & I was very angry at God... Vanessa helped me cope with a very difficult time, & even through her battle with cancer, kept me focused on God's will, his plan, & never questioning what may happen here on Earth. There's a greater plan & we don't see that here. She had a way of helping people see the good in all things. I miss her like crazy... I can't even begin to tell you how broken I am without her beside me. Vanessa was only 32 when she passed. BUT, I know where she is today and I'm so glad she is no longer in pain. Her cancer was ruthless at the end & I couldn't take watching her suffer. All she endured over 6 years of fighting is simply amazing, but hearing the stories of how many people she inspired is even more amazing. Again, thank you for sharing... it makes my heart smile.
As I said above, I cried the entire way home. All I could think about was how Vanessa was constantly building people up and encouraging everyone around her! She was constantly praying for family, friends and our community. When we first married, she was concerned about me over-committing and just volunteering too much. We had the occasional argument about how much time I spent coaching, volunteering and going to every possible event of the girls... on top of work. It really bothers me today that I missed so much 'extra' time with her, because I was always on the run and away from home. However, then it hit me... she was with me the majority of the time. She's the one that convinced me into taking the Booster Club position... she loved helping in the concession stand, going to the girls events, and cheering on all the kids down the county. She took her 1st job in the county to heart too! I remember when she started at Pamlico DSS, she wanted to adopt EVERY foster child in the county.
Vanessa had a huge heart, a selfless heart and always cared for others... even during her last days on Earth. She prayed for so many, worried for so many and tried to lift up everyone she could... even as her body was slowly giving way to cancer.
I wish I could say with confidence, that I could be as faithful and caring to others if I had been in the same situation as Vanessa. I honestly can't... she was an angel of compassion and care even while living in Hell with her own fight against cancer. Because of all this, I can say, I know her reward in Heaven is great and I am so proud to still call her my wife!
I wish I could say with confidence, that I could be as faithful and caring to others if I had been in the same situation as Vanessa. I honestly can't... she was an angel of compassion and care even while living in Hell with her own fight against cancer. Because of all this, I can say, I know her reward in Heaven is great and I am so proud to still call her my wife!
Vanessa, I love you EVEN MORE today!
I remember being at your house when she was writing these Easter egg message gifts.
ReplyDeleteYes I know I am her Mom but she trully had the biggest heart for others. She has passed on this gift on to Maddy Ray....our little "Ray" of sunshine.
( LOL.. I joked Vanessa about the spelling of Madisons middle name being Ray instead of Rae for a girl..think she got mad at me for that..
but now I see that was the correct way to spell it because Madison is a "Ray" of sunshine in the dark storm and when we look at you Madison we see Vanessa's kind heart, spirit, and compassion live on.
Vanessa posted just prior to Valentines Day how Madison hand wrote and made all of her fellow classmates cards and commented.. where did Madison get her empathy from??? Duh...Madison got it from her Mom Vanessa!!!
I also remember Vanessa going to a high school girls sports team last year,I believe it was a volleyball team, to tell the young girls about her battle with breast cancer and to make them aware to get checked even at their young age and " to know their bodies and if there was a change to their bodies to question the doctors". They gave her hugs and thanked her and gave Vanessa a hand painted pink ribbon plague that hangs in the hallway to this day in her home.
She touched and will continue to touch so many lives. I am so proud of her strength and for being an advocate for cancer. I miss her terribly too but there are incredible signs of her presence all around us everyday.