She helped more than I could imagine...

Vanessa volunteering her time to stuff Easter eggs for cancer patients in New Bern.  Each egg contained a treat and a handwritten inspirational message.  It was these stories that I witnessed, and even more, the stories that I am learning about each day after her passing, that make me see how truly of an angel she really was...

Last night's plan on getting to sleep before midnight didn't happen... I found myself looking at pictures once again and then made my way through her journals. The very last entry in a prayer book she had titled "Thirty-One Prayers for my Husband", was something very special to me.  It was entered on January 31st and talked about my upcoming work conference.  Her handwriting was nowhere near as neat as it once was due to all the previous radiation and the cancer beginning to wreck havoc on her nervous system.  Regardless, I was able to read it and it astonished me that in her last weeks, dealing with everything SHE was facing... the pain, the worry, the fears... here she was, praying for my confidence and my success for a work function!?!?!  She still amazes me...

She bought prayer books for each of us, one where I prayed for her, and the other (titled above) where she prayed for me. I did the majority of the one for Vanessa, but when I went back and looked at Vanessa's, she had not only filled it out once... she was doing it a second time?!?!?

There where so many entries about how proud she was of me and how thankful she was of our relationship.  It brought a joy to my heart, and after a while, I was finally able to get some sleep.

Today it hit me about how much Vanessa had helped me over the years... especially with my job.  I transferred from NC Cooperative Extension to the NC Department of Agriculture just over 6 years ago.  My job with Extension came natural to me and it was something I really enjoyed.  However, my job with NCDA has come with a big learning curve.  I've never been 100% confident with myself in this job, just because everything was new and the level of expertise in some of the subject matter is beyond measurable.  Vanessa always built me up.  I felt like I could do anything with her pulling for me.

I found myself thinking back after today's meeting and just laughing at what's become normal to me with my job... I rambled off financial breakdowns for our grower's association and have developed tools that help our production and our bottom-line.  I thought about the conference call we had and my participation in helping facilitate the meeting.  There's noway I would be where I am today without her prayers and support.

It really hit me hard following the meeting when a couple of producers and co-workers made it a point to tell me how proud they were of me, and how outstanding of a job I had done with preparing and facilitating this year's conference... while juggling everything at the hospital. Again, this was all from Vanessa supporting me and constantly reminding me I could do anything.

Following the meeting, I decided to stop and treat myself, and grab the girls supper, at Bill's Hot Dogs.  It was such a beautiful afternoon, and the smell of the hot dogs made me stop and take a second to enjoy one before riding home.  While eating, I decided to catch up on my emails and Facebook messages.  What I found was something that made me cry the entire 45 minute ride home... 

A parent of a student-athlete sent the message below to me...
Good morning Pete, I have been wanting to share this with you but I was unsure how, when or where to do it... My daughter was so touched by Vanessa. I didn't even know she had a connection with her the way she did. I found out when I told her about Vanessa's passing. As soon as I told her, she looked at me and said, "Mom, no no no!  I don't want to hear that."  She began to cry. I hugged her and told her it would be okay. She said mom, "I LOVED HER!" Then she told me a story about the banquet, and how Vanessa came up to her and hugged her and congratulated her. Vanessa told her how she was proud of her and how she loved to watch her play. She told her that she wanted her to continue on with playing and she knew she would accomplish great things in life. My daughter never shared with me what she said to her until that day. She was still very upset so I logged on to my Facebook and pulled up your post leading up to that day. I gave her my phone and showed her where to start reading. I told her if you read this it might help. She began to read and I walked away. When I returned her eyes were filled with tears and I asked her...Did that help? She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said NO. My heart broke for her in that moment. Vanessa was a great women. She found a way to touch everybody in this county in some way or another. I debated back and forth about sending you this. I know you are hurting and I have been praying for you and your girls. I didn't want to cause you any more pain than you were already feeling. I asked my daughter this morning before school if she would mind if I told you about what happened, and she said I could. So, I said today is the day. This story has some good in it. It shows that Vanessa was a ray of sunshine no matter where she was or what she was doing. Her love spread wide and I really just wanted you to know how Vanessa has touched my daughter's life. If there is anything I can do to help you or the girls, please let me know. I will continue to pray for you, the girls and Vanessa's family.

I responded (and meant every word):

Thank you for sharing and I couldn't agree more... Vanessa changed my life & brought me so much closer in a relationship with God. When she & I were 1st married, I lost my sister (who was like a mom/best friend to me). She was only 35 when she passed & I was very angry at God... Vanessa helped me cope with a very difficult time, & even through her battle with cancer, kept me focused on God's will, his plan, & never questioning what may happen here on Earth. There's a greater plan & we don't see that here. She had a way of helping people see the good in all things. I miss her like crazy... I can't even begin to tell you how broken I am without her beside me. Vanessa was only 32 when she passed. BUT, I know where she is today and I'm so glad she is no longer in pain. Her cancer was ruthless at the end & I couldn't take watching her suffer. All she endured over 6 years of fighting is simply amazing, but hearing the stories of how many people she inspired is even more amazing.  Again, thank you for sharing... it makes my heart smile.

As I said above, I cried the entire way home.  All I could think about was how Vanessa was constantly building people up and encouraging everyone around her!  She was constantly praying for family, friends and our community.  When we first married, she was concerned about me over-committing and just volunteering too much.  We had the occasional argument about how much time I spent coaching, volunteering and going to every possible event of the girls... on top of work.  It really bothers me today that I missed so much 'extra' time with her, because I was always on the run and away from home.  However, then it hit me... she was with me the majority of the time.  She's the one that convinced me into taking the Booster Club position... she loved helping in the concession stand, going to the girls events, and cheering on all the kids down the county.  She took her 1st job in the county to heart too!  I remember when she started at Pamlico DSS, she wanted to adopt EVERY foster child in the county.

Vanessa had a huge heart, a selfless heart and always cared for others... even during her last days on Earth.  She prayed for so many, worried for so many and tried to lift up everyone she could... even as her body was slowly giving way to cancer.

I wish I could say with confidence, that I could be as faithful and caring to others if I had been in the same situation as Vanessa.  I honestly can't... she was an angel of compassion and care even while living in Hell with her own fight against cancer.  Because of all this, I can say, I know her reward in Heaven is great and I am so proud to still call her my wife!

Vanessa, I love you EVEN MORE today!

Cheating today and stealing from Facebook

The image from 'On this Date' via Facebook... I'm cheating tonight and not typing so much...
It's definitely a 'cut and paste' kinda night and the bed is actually calling my name for once! 

I woke up this morning to a reminder on Facebook... both of them stung a little.  I've already mentioned the trip to Ireland and Scotland in previous posts, and the refund is in process, but seeing a reminder from Vanessa this morning brought back a feeling of anger again.  I hate there's so many things we didn't do... I'd give anything to go back and just live like there was not tomorrow... because it happened a lot sooner than I expected.

The other reminder was a feeling of pride and how Vanessa stepped out of her comfort zone thanks to a new found friend in Beth Fairchild.  Below is a post she had today...

I posted the following comment to Beth and meant every word:
Thank you for helping Vanessa find her 'inner-advocate'... she never was really big on getting up and speaking out, and honestly, she hated the spotlight. But with all she went through and all that we learned, she had to tell the story. It's amazing that with all the technology and medical breakthroughs we have today, the only one that works, and works fastest, is the way you are feeling... she was ahead of her 1st diagnosis (and knew before the result in 2011), also when she was diagnosed stage IV in 2013, brain mets in 2015 and CL in 2017. Stage IV NEEDS MORE and cancer needs to be wiped off of this Earth!!! Someone is going to kick this disease's ass... I was hoping it was Vanessa, and now I'm leaning on you. Bring this damn disease to an end... I believe you can do it!!!

I'm praying for a day with no cancer... a day my daughters won't have to worry about this dreaded disease.  I feel we're getting closer, and I pray it's sooner than later.

With that said, I'm actually planning on going to bed before midnight for the first time in nearly a month.  Last night's ramblings and restlessness has prepped me for a 'normal' nights sleep... keeping my fingers crossed :)

I hate roller coasters!

This is the very 1st picture on my phone memory... it's from a trip Vanessa and I took back in 2009 for our 2nd year anniversary.  This was taken at Busch Gardens (1 of her favorite places) just before she took me on a roller coaster spree...

While talking with a co-worker today, I was asked how things were going, to which I responded, "it's an up and down roller coaster."  Then it hit me... I hate roller coasters.  I mean literally.  Some of my worst memories are from trying to ride the things.  I always argued with Vanessa and the girls that roller coasters impact fat people differently... it's true!  Newton's Second Law of Motion states: The net force on an object is equal to the mass of the object multiplied by the acceleration of the object.  AND I GOT A LOT OF MASS!

I remember Vanessa and I went to Busch Gardens for our anniversary back in 2009.  We stayed there for a week in a couple different B&B's and did the tourist thing around Williamsburg, a few days at Busch Gardens and a bunch of wineries.

While at Busch Gardens, after a few beers, Vanessa finally convinced me to ride a few roller coasters with her.  We laughed and it wasn't too bad.  But, to be honest, I never opened my eyes on the things.  I'd just wedge myself in the seat, hold on tight and close my eyes until it was over.  I'd just make it through the ride... that was my goal.  Luckily, we stopped and focused on more 'old people stuff', like our beautiful pottery below (it's still displayed in our kitchen today)

Well, later that night we got ready for bed and every time I closed my eyes, it felt like I was back on the roller coaster... it was literally making me sick and every time I closed my eyes, it made me feel as if I was dropping on a ride.  I didn't sleep much that night, much like I'm doing tonight.  I've just got too many feelings in my head and just can't close my eyes.

I don't have many poignant sayings tonight, I don't have any life changing statements like in yesterday's post and finding that amazing message from Vanessa and all the sobbing.  However, I am in the realization that I'm on this roller coaster whether I like it or not.  All I want to do is just close my eyes and get it over with, but this ride doesn't end.

I'm lucky for my girls, and can't stress how much joy they give me and how lucky I am to have the relationships I have with them. I miss Vanessa as much as ever... probably even more tonight?  I just spent the past 2 hours looking at all of our Facebook posts.  She was on Facebook from 2005 until.  I was on it from 2010 until.  I wish we both still had our Myspace pages, but we both instantly deleted those when we 1st started dating :)  Vanessa had too many college posts on her's and I had a few issues with mine to hide.  Just looking at all the posts and pictures brought back a million emotions, and honestly, made me realize I've been on this ride for the past decade.  The only difference is, it's been climbing up... we've had so many joys I've never even looked down at how high we were.  We had a few 'side to side turns', don't get me wrong... it's not all been perfect.  But, our marriage and friendship was like nothing else I've ever experienced.

I'm glad I kept my eyes open for this ride, cause I would have hated missing one second if I had walked away when things got tough, or when we didn't see eye to eye.  I'm glad for every second.

I've fallen pretty far the past few weeks, but my daughters, family and friends are taking me back up.  I have the occasional 'drop' from time to time if I let my mind wander, and I let sadness throw me.  But, I guess that's the thrill and joy of a roller coaster?  Maybe I can learn to enjoy the ride?

In closing, I got the much needed opportunity to talk with Madison tonight about her mom.  I've been so worried about her not crying or showing any real sadness.  I just wanted her to know it's okay to cry and to feel sad from time to time.  There's going to be times she really misses her mom, and it's okay to cry about them.  I wanted her to know that I am crying from time to time, but the thing that makes me stop is the realization of where her mom is today.

We both shared a few tears on the ride home tonight, but as always, our prayers went to heaven and straight to God and her mom... and that makes our hearts smile.  I found a letter from one of our family friends that was wrote to Madison.  It was a beautiful letter that described all the emotions and feelings she would be facing.  This family friend had lost her mom and shared her experience so graciously with Madison... it was the perfect accompaniment to our previous conversation tonight.  It was pretty amazing coming from a Buffalo Bills fan?!?! ;)  I'm glad my new organizational skills allowed me to locate the letter...

I'm hoping to get some sleep... I've cleaned, done dishes, organized the fridge, vacuumed, and as stated above, even came up with an organization system for all the mail that's pouring in...

I'm sure Vanessa is smiling down from heaven tonight with me finding yet another way to stack stuff, but I know she's smiling at how well the girls and I have continued on... cleaned, school work, my job, and I've even caught up on all the laundry!?!?!  Miracles do happen!

I miss her, but now understand the joys of the roller coaster a little better.  Still doesn't mean I'm going to squeeze my fat butt in one of those tiny seats, but I can understand the joy of the ups and downs, and I know that when this ride stops one day... it will be the greatest thrill ever!

I guess I should've felt this coming?

I joined the crybaby club today... don't ever want to feel like this again!

 If you do not read anything else I post, PLEASE read the message below... it's amazing how God can lift us up and give us hope when we hit rock bottom or lose our way in emotions.

I had a complete breakdown while working on the last post (with all the pictures) of Vanessa this morning before church.  It's the first time I lost control and couldn't get back my composure, and was by far, the worst feeling I have EVER had.  Looking through Facebook, it looked like today, and the last couple of days were very hard for her mom, dad, family and friends.  I saw posts that broke my heart, and unfortunately, I know how you feel.

I just got lost in the pictures and started thinking about all the memories.  I was longing to hug her. I missed her so much this morning.  I wanted to hold her hand, hug her, kiss her... just be beside her.  I had not had a breakdown for sometime and the emotions overwhelmed me like a tidal wave.  I had to lock myself in the bedroom, because I just didn't want Madison seeing me completely out of it.

This crying and pain was ugly and it felt like every sob sent my body in convulsions and left me gasping for air.  I hate feeling this way and I couldn't stop or gain composer.  I felt lost, hopeless, overwhelmed, alone and without direction.  For some reason, the fact of her being gone at the moment just choked out any hope or positive thoughts I scrambled to find... I really hope I never go back there again.  One time was certainly enough.

But, as only Vanessa could do... there was a message of love and hope directly to me at my lowest.  It was from Vanessa's thoughts, written by her hand and directly left for me on this day, I say her journal laying by the edge of the bed.  I don't know what possessed me to pick it up and open it?  The entry may have been a day early, but it was right on time for me.  I saved this post for today, March 6th, because I will use it today and everyday.  It gives me strength to move forward another day.  Here is the message I found from her journal... simply amazing!

I can't reiterate enough, I've never felt so low as I did today, and to have this message in my hands completely suppressed all the darkness, sadness, hopelessness, etc.  The entire message was beautiful, but her writing in the lower left corner made my heart explode with love.  Vanessa wrote, "The time on Earth is just a fraction of OUR life in eternity."

I thank God for her writing this... because honestly, I think I was lost at that moment... I'm talking, not getting out of the bed, I don't care about eating, sleeping, breathing, living, anything, lost.  I missed her and the gravity of having her gone was taking me down.

I thank God for that message.  I thank Vanessa for leaving it for me.  And I ask anyone who reads this to pray my focus will stay here... to stay focused on an eternal love and a reuniting in such a better place than the misery of this Earth.

I finally dried my eyes to realize Meg and Madison had left for church without me.  Meg had sent a message saying they were in the 'front right'... Vanessa's space :)  I hopped in the 'Minty Van' and made it just before Dave started the sermon.  I was able to finish out the day with time well spent with all 3 girls.

I'll cherish my time on Earth with my daughters, I'll give them everything I can and I will be here as long as God allows me to.  But, my eyes are locked on Heaven and my peace now lays on the focus of 'OUR life in eternity.'

Bring on Monday and the week!

She's Beautiful

Vanessa when we first met... now you see why I was so smitten :)
Unfortunately, she struggled with the effects of chemo and steroids.
But to me, she was always so beautiful, inside and out.

After last night's picture post of Vanessa, I could hear her say, "Why did you use one of my bald and swollen head pictures?"  Vanessa loved her hair.  She also wanted to set an example for Madison with her health.  She took pride in her appearance when we first met like most women do.  She struggled with weight after having Madison, but when she made it through her 1st round of cancer in 2011, she and I both felt we had been given a second chance by catching it so early.  We both lost a lot of weight.  I actually got down to 240... which was my weight my sophomore year in high school.  Unfortunately, after she was re-diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, we both became very depressed and were both emotionally eating.  To make things worse for Vanessa, she lost her hair. She (and everybody who had ever seen it) loved her beautiful dark red hair.  It was gorgeous.  She could deal with the mastectomies, scars, etc., but when she lost her hair, it really hit her hard...

This was her 1st journal entry after being diagnosed stage 4 and losing her hair.

Our 'healthy time'... after her 1st cancer scare.

She learned to cope with losing her hair and fell in love with getting extensions.  It made her so happy to be able to twirl her hair again... she constantly did that when we were 1st dating.  Another area she struggled with was the effects from all the steroids... especially with the added weight and swelling of her face.  I remember when she was able to reduce her steroids for the 1st time and she went crazy in the gym trying to beat back some of the weight gain.  I wasn't much help with my constant depression eating and beer drinking.  Looking back, I wish I had done more to help her with her fight.  She hung this paper in the room and stared at it everyday, and everyday she exercised as best she could.

Through it all she handled herself with such grace.  She learned to cope with the ups and downs, the loss of her hair and the yo-yo weight swings.  The one thing that stayed constant was her smile and her faith in God.  By enduring what she did, and telling others her story, she touched a lot of lives.

*SIDE STORY, and one that has to be told/saved.  (Sorry!, I just have to!)  After Vanessa's passing, a visitor came to the house.  We were swapping stories about Vanessa and the question of why this would happen to such a good person was asked.  I thought the woman said, "Why Vanessa? Why couldn't it have been some prostitute, why did God punish such a sweet and lovely lady?"  I don't think the word prostitute was used actually, but Meg sure heard it too!  Meg immediately commented, "Well, Vanessa certainly touched more people than a prostitute..."  I couldn't take it... I had to interrupt and tell Meg that was the WORST analogy EVER!  It made us laugh, but I'm sure the woman visiting thought we were crazy... and as you can tell from my blogging, we probably are :)

So for now, I'm losing weight, hitting the gym, and working on my health for my girls.  Vanessa always wanted us to be an example for the girls, and I feel I owe it to her, to my health, and for the girls, to start taking care of my body. Our health is a gift and we should at least work on trying to respect that gift with some care and attention.

To close out this midday blog... Vanessa's weight, hair and appearance may have changed over the years through the battle with cancer, but her smile never did... all the way until the end.  Below are just  a handful of pictures that highlight the changes, but never compromised her smile or her faith.
I LOVE YOU VANESSA!

 

 

 

 

 

Our last picture together in the hospital on Friday...
The day before her coma and 2 days before she passed.
EVEN IN PAIN, SHE WAS STILL SMILING!

Our last picture. Feb, 19th, early Sunday morning, before heading home,
I had the strange urge to take this picture... she would pass that afternoon 

Let's go 'Ceeens'! (AKA: Let's go Canes!)

Vanessa, Tina and Madison celebrating after qualifying for the
Babe Ruth Softball State Tournament - June 28, 2015 

Vanessa was always a fan.  She always wanted to be at the game.  She loved Steelers football, UVA basketball (and secretly UVA football, although she never had a lot to cheer for there), and her absolute favorite was any sport the girls were involved in.

She cheered on countless softball games, basketball games, golf rounds, volleyball matches or was in the concession stand with me if she wasn't in the stands.  She was just as big a sports junkie as I was!?!?!  One of our first conversations when meeting was about Steelers football, and as I stated in previous blogs... I knew she was the one.

It has been a bittersweet day, and a bittersweet week.  Our Pamlico County Lady Hurricanes punched their ticket to the State Championship today by defeating Roxboro 59-47, and became the Eastern Champs.  All I could hear today was Vanessa's high pitched 'Yankee twang' screaming, "Let's go Ceeens!"  Well, that's what it sounded like... but, it was supposed to be "Let's go Canes!"  She would have been so proud of Coach Rose and all the girls today.

2016-2017 NCHSAA 1-A Eastern Region Champion Pamlico County Lady Canes!

I thought about her a lot during the game today.  I thought about her this week as Madison's youth team fought their way to a 2nd place finish.  I thought about her with our trip to Plymouth... where she would have been louder than the woman beside me, and probably told her she was 'ridiculous'... as only Vanessa could do.  I thought about her last Saturday in the concession stand, as the Lady Canes played East Columbus... I kept looking for her at the cash box.

As I stated above, she was always there... even as she battle cancer and had every right to stay home and rest.  She chose to cheer on our kids, volunteer for our kids, and then come home and scream obscenities at the TV as her college and pro teams played :)

Madison's 2nd place Youth Basketball team.

Madison came with me today to watch the East Region Championship game.  She whined a little on the way there and really didn't act like she wanted to be going.  We rode with Harry and Tina Brooks, Keith Poole, Zayne Perkins and Jennifer Hardison.  Once we got down the road, Jennifer kept her occupied and engaged with a 'little conversation'... I don't think Madison stopped talking unless it was to breathe?!?!?!  Following the game, we all went out to eat at Joe's Crab Shack.  Madison was the life of the party!  She laughed and giggled at the table.  She got up twice to dance (Cupid Shuffle and some other song) with all the waitresses in front of the packed restaurant.  She was so happy... and loud :)  It felt like I was there with Vanessa.  Vanessa would act identical... well, after a drink or 2.  I especially thought of Vanessa when they sang Happy Birthday to a customer while we were there... that was Vanessa's favorite karaoke song, cause everyone knew it, and it made everyone happy :)  (so she claimed)
I know I say this every blog entry, but I really missed her being there tonight...

Miss Too Cute to be Crabby... sitting beside Mr. Justin 'Bibber' (AKA: Keith Poole)

Lastly, I want to mention something I am VERY proud of!  I'm not sure if I can, but I'm going to do it anyways!  At Thursday's Booster meeting, Kris Ward proposed that the Booster's create a student scholarship in Vanessa's name.  The scholarship will be a 1 time $500 gift to a student who displays Vanessa's 'overcomer' attitude... someone who never gives up even in the worst of odds, who keeps trying regardless of their ability, or the score.  This scholarship will be open to any student-athlete, cheerleader, band member or member of the drill team (cause Vanessa was the world's biggest band geek).  Coaches will nominate students and submit to the Booster Board, with the Board choosing the most deserving on an annual basis.  Needless to say, I am very proud and honored by this award in Vanessa's name. 

Vanessa (right) in action, with Ashley Kesner on the Indian River High School Band Drill Team... 

Crazy Love...

I awoke to more comments than usual from my overnight ramblings.  I am beyond humbled and amazed by the compliments and suggestions of writing a book. But to be completely honest, I've only read a few books my entire life... and a majority of them were by Dr. Seuss.

This blog is only a means for memories... my true intentions are for it to serve as a 'memory bank' for Madison... not a book.  Again, I'm too lazy to read, too ugly to speak in front of groups and too stupid else wise.  However, I think a made for TV special could be in the works starring Kirsten Dunst (redhead Mary Jane from the Spider Man movie) as Vanessa, and Channing Tatum as myself... only because John Candy is no longer alive :)

The John Candy resemblance is scary... the diet is now going to a new gear!

I am very happy to say that today was not filled with the usual roller coaster of emotions.  I'm still missing her like crazy and find myself starring at her picture on my phone, but I was able to get a lot of work done at home and for my job today.

My laugh for the day came at the expense of Mr. Dale visiting Madison at school today (the scary-serious man in yesterday's post, and the real life owner of the circle of trust).  He came in while I was at the office and headed down to have lunch with Madison at school today.  Being the serious and always prepared individual he is, he made it clear to me, several times, to make sure the school knew he was coming to have lunch... I think he was just making sure there were no hiccups after Madison made him promise he was coming.

Being the smartass that I am, I thought it would be funny to play a little joke.  I asked the front office to ask him for a letter from me in order to go eat lunch with Madison.  The joke was suppose to make him say, "that damn Pete, I told him to make sure everything was right."  Instead, without hesitation, he informed the front office he would be having lunch and was fine if they needed id or to call the police... not the intention I was hoping for.  Luckily the school staff didn't play the joke long enough to make a commotion... cause he was going to eat with that little girl one way or another.

It made me think of the love we have for family... or as the title of this entry, Crazy Love.  It's a good thing.  Loving a child, or a spouse, or anyone to the point that all things are possible and there isn't a hurdle too big for you to overcome.  I felt this way with Vanessa during her entire fight, and I can honestly say, she fought her fight a little for me, but a lot for Madison!

Vanessa was only given a few months to live when she was first diagnosed Stage IV back in April of 2013.  Cancer had spread from her original breast cancer diagnosis to her bones and liver.  The cancer in her liver was so bad it had become septic.  She was on the verge of death if we didn't start chemotherapy soon, and start it as aggressive as possible.  The image below shows her liver back in 2013.  The image on the right shows the amount of cancer in her liver (the glowing part is cancer), the image on the left was 3 months later... still unbelievable to this day!

I remember Vanessa's first chemotherapy treatment like it was yesterday.  She had to be accessed by her veins because she did not have her PORT surgery yet.  She got her first injections of Taxol and Perjeta and went into convulsions... her body couldn't handle it and I thought I was going to lose her right then and there.  After some medication, the shaking stopped.  Overtime she began to 'handle' the doses... the many, many doses she endured.  I have included a picture of a flyer I made for her a few years back.  I tried to go through and update the numbers by using my calendar... I keep everything on it.  The numbers are really close to being 100% accurate and just amaze me in what she endured...

I still can't understand to this day how she did it?  How can someone fight this long, fight this hard and beat so many odds along the way.  It hit me today... it was her baby, and it was for Meg and Annie too. She wanted to see them grow.  She wanted to see them graduate high school and college.  To get married. To have kids.  Vanessa wasn't given many days after her diagnosis... I believed she fought for every day afterward.  She prayed for all 3 girls daily and NEVER wavered in her commitment.

In closing, I do want to thank everyone for their comments.  I ask that you keep them up.  But, instead of commenting to me, I ask that you leave comments for Madison here on Blogger.  You can say whatever crazy things you want to me on Facebook or Instagram, but on Blogger, please leave your memories of Vanessa.  Vanessa touched so many people in her life (I have another story on this tomorrow via my daughter Meg... you'll have to wait until then.)   Please leave your thoughts for her to read one day.  It can be how her mom inspired you.  It can be a story when you were kids.  It can be something about Madison... just leave her some memories to cherish about her mom.  All you need to do is scroll below to the comment box, type your message and hit the publish. I think it would be a great keepsake for Madison in the years ahead.

Thanks for reading and thanks for commenting to Madison if you can...

So, I guess sadness follows anger?

My 1st visit to Virginia to meet Vanessa's family and her friend Erica... what a night!?!?!

After last night's late posting I couldn't sleep (imagine that).  I found myself trolling Facebook looking at pictures of Vanessa (and saving them) wherever I could.  It made me smile to see all the pictures of her, and in EVERY picture, she ALWAYS had a smile.

You would think that seeing smile after smile would make me happy?  It didn't.  It seemed like the more I looked at each picture, the more I missed her and the sadder I became.  God, this sucks!!!  I was so sad of thinking about all the things we were going to miss... I had so many great memories over 10 years, but there were so many more to be made!  Through hours of pictures crying, depressed, saddened, I came across the picture below and instantly smiled...

Jan. 28, 2007: Obviously I'm celebrating my birthday a little too much & headed for disaster!
Thanks for reeling me back in Erica and helping prevent a train wreck later on that night!  -_-

This picture, and the picture above it, were on my birthday back in 2007.  The 'evil eyebrow' in the 2nd picture means things are not going to end well... but, let's start a little earlier.  You may have already read my earlier blog about Vanessa coming down to meet my family and the girls.  We had a great time and it was everything I could have ever hoped for.  So naturally, Vanessa wanted me to come meet her family.

I drove up to Virginia to meet her family for the very first time on Saturday, Jan. 17th, and for a night out on the town with Vanessa and her friend Erica.  I really hadn't been out 'partying' much over the past few years, because of my status as a single mom/dad.  Before the partying began, she had me head to her house to meet her mom... who prepared one of the largest lasagnas I have ever seen, or eaten.  Being the southern boy I am, when someone makes you something, you eat as much as you can to show thanks... sometimes this is a good thing... the lasagna was great... the amount I ate was the issue.

Now, lets follow up massive amounts of eating with an interrogation from one of the most intimidating men I have ever met, Mr. Dale, Vanessa's father.  I was asked a series of calculated questions, to which I'm sure some Central Intelligence Division reviewed at an undisclosed location :)  I always joked Vanessa that her dad was Robert De Niro from 'Meet the Fockers'... and I was always on the outskirts from the 'circle of trust.'

Sorry, couldn't resist the opportunity to pick at Mr. Dale... there's no doubt he loves Vanessa.  He made that VERY clear!

Following all of those fun activities with family, Vanessa proceeds to take me out for a night on the town at a couple of her favorite bars and karaoke hangouts.  She and I stop for drinks at stop one... and I don't remember too many things past that point.  There are a few glimpses of Erica handing me a pitcher of beer and calling me out... but other than that, I really can't remember too much.  And if I could, I sure is heck ain't sharing it!  I do have a little privacy wall left.

To sum up the next day and early the next morning, let's just say, if it had been Vanessa... I don't think we would have been dating afterwards.  A few friends, and unfortunately a lot of her family now, know the rest of the story.  You may be able to bribe it out of them somehow, but I sure as hell am not posting it on here for the rest of the world to see.  Just imagine the worst thing possible, and you're probably in the ball park.

So, after my embarrassing episode, we head to church (VERY hungover) and she sings in the choir like NOTHING has happen.  I feel like I'm the child from the Exorcist, and she's clapping hands and dancing in the choir.  The rest of the day was somewhat awkward.  We talked a little bit, but I needed to get back home soon being the girls had school the next morning.

Below is the email that I received when I returned home, from one of the most embarrassing things that would have ended any relationship... her words forever changed my life...

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01/29/07 at 8:55 AM

Abraham Lincoln once said, "I want it said of me that, I
plucked a weed and planted a flower wherever I thought a
flower would grow." And that is exactly what a Christian life
is about: weeding and feeding. We stop doing things that wage
war on our soul so that we can start living by doing things
that are pleasing to God.

At first glance, the task seems overwhelming. That's when it
is important to remember that just as we pluck the noxious
plants that occupy a physical garden on weed at a time, we
also eliminate the destructive behaviors that keep us in
defeat and despair one destructive behavior at a time. Then,
having pulled the weed, we plant a flower in the now vacant
space, we weed and then we plant and feed. That is the rhythm
of the Christian life.

This week, begin the process by identifying one small, simple,
negative behavior you are ready to stop doing and one positive
habit you want to reinforce. In my bible study it talks about
eliminating one binge food and increase one life-giving food
and to prepare food differently if eliminating it is too hard
of a struggle. I just thought this bible study hits home that
you are trying to eliminate alcohol for this week. Instead
spend time in prayer to get rid of the stress you are feeling
or you are in need of motivation. Play Madden :) ha-ha and
then of course you can always, always call me.

Remember that this weed-and-feed process need not be limited
to the physical realm. Perhaps you need to destroy one
negative thought pattern and replace it with a Scripture
memory verse. The important thing is that you just pick one
negative and one positive behavior to work on this week: one
life-choking weed to pull and one life-giving plant to feed.
Don't concern yourself with the whole garden. Just work on one
small section and begin the task before you today.

One weed-and-feed behavior is to being using the words "Stop
It!" so that you can start doing what is pleasing to God. One
new behavior, applied over time, will yield big benefits.
Think of the progress you could make if you simply pulled one
weed and planted one flower every week for an entire year!
What will you do this week to weed and feed the garden God
calls you to tend as you join Him in His work?

Prayer:
Sovereign Lord, You do not ask me to do anything that is too
difficult or beyond my reach. Today, gracious God, I will say
"Stop It!" to the things that choke my faith so that I can say
yes to you. O Lord, I do not want the good word you have sown
in my heart to be unproductive. Show me what I need to stop
doing so that I can start living and loving you with all my
heart, mind, soul and strength.

Pete, you can do all things through Christ who strengthens
you. Know that I am here for you and I struggle with the same
things in my life. I know your desire to do good as that is my
desire as well. After having you at church and through us
being together I have been looking as to why God has place you
in my life. Because you know I am a firm believer in
everything has a reason and people are brought in your life to
teach you something. I believe God has placed you in my life
for two reasons and then one big reason.

The first one to tell me it is ok to be dependent on someone
at times. I have always been independent as much as I could
and know how. I rarely ever come to my friends with problems
unless it is one where you need good solid wholesome advice
and you need the hard facts told to me. I feel that it is a
burden to them and that everyone’s life is hard just people
handle them differently. With you, you want to open the door
for me. Not because you think I am helpless but it is your way
of showing me that you care for me. I’m sorry that I become
sarcastic and seem unappreciative when you do this. That I
have been trying to become better at because I know you enjoy
doing it and deep down inside I like it. However it is just a
change for me not that any other guy hasn’t done it but that I
just see it as a sign of weak rather than caring. I do
understand though now and thank you for taking the little
things in life to show me that you care and love me. Also with
the paying for everything I also know and understand that this
is your way of showing me that you care. However with this I
know how much this job pays and you have two girls at home to
take care of. It is ok to let me pay for things especially
when you come up to see me and drive such a long way. It is
only fair and it also is a way to show you how much I care and
want to reciprocate your gratitude. I live with my parents, I
can afford it! :) Anyways to sum it up God is teaching me to
be humble before him and that it is ok to lean on people from
time to time as long as they lift you up to do the work for
his kingdom.

The second reason I believe you are in my life is to encourage
me and walk alongside me in a Christian life. I have never
ever talked about God and felt comfortable talking about him
with anyone in my life even if they were a Christian. With you
I am so comfortable and I see a great desire in you to be
obedient in God and you encourage me and want me to be a good
Christian as well. That is what I like most about you. You are
no way perfect in your walk as neither am I but it is that
desire to do better that I just love. And I believe that we
have each other and focus on God nothing, absolutely nothing
can stand in our way. I know where your heart is at and it is
very honorable and respectable. Everything was right in the
world when you were with me in church yesterday. I felt like I
could do anything and that you were with me 100 percent.

And finally God has placed you in my life to be my one and
only. I cant believe that it is happening but its true and I
definitely agree that his plan is so much better than what I
had hope for in my life. You meet my expectations for the
perfect man for me and beyond exceed them. YOU ARE MY GIFT
FROM GOD! God wants nothing more than you unite two Christians
who want to do work for him. That is my desire every moment
that we are together. I want nothing more than to pray with
you and to read the bible with you. I think it would be
amazing and that is what is going to make this relationship
truly last and be all that God intended it to be and I'm ready
to start the journey with you.

Thank you for taking time out to meet my parents and I know
that they are soon going to see why you mean so much to me and
the things I love about you. This is going to sound creepy but
I see a lot of qualities of my dad in you. This is actually a
good thing because you saw yesterday, while at lunch, my
passion for my dad and how it brought tears to my eyes. I cry
those same tears when I think about how wonderful you are and
how you have blessed my life. On that note I can end I love you!

Vanessa

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I called one of my best friends, Chad, and my sister, Kristy, and told them the story.  I told them how she handled it, and the email that followed... both without hesitation said the same exact thing, "you have to marry her... you have to merry her now!"

We bounced back the idea of eloping the entire month of February, but she didn't want to disappoint her dad, and I was scared to death of him.  Things worked out, and I think I finally showed I was somewhat worthy of being with his daughter.  I always had an eye on me... and possibly several top secret security cameras.  But, when he finally saw how much I cared for his daughter, and that I would sacrifice anything for her happiness.  He let me stand "next to" the circle... hahahaha! :)

Today marked a week since Vanessa's funeral service and when her body was laid to rest.  It still doesn't seem real.  I keep looking for her beside me in the morning.  I keep looking for her when I come in at night... I don't think I'll ever be able to stop doing that?

I'm sad and I'm going to be sad for a long time to come.  We had plans of crashing the girls' tailgates when they got in college, several more Steelers Football excursions and traveling all over the US and Europe.  I feel cheated that we'll miss this together.  Sitting here looking at all the pictures of her makes me hurt for what I loss; makes me sad for what I'll miss; but makes me thankful for what we had.

Join me tomorrow when I get angry again about missing out on things with Vanessa... or whatever crazy emotion I am forced to try and cope with!!!  According to the seven steps, it looks like depression is next up?  Thank God my calendar is too full to squeeze that one in.  Sorry, I know it's not something to joke about, but I have to keep joking and I have to make myself laugh... it's my only defense from the bitter / angry feeling that's still inside of me from time to time.

I guess I'll lean on the words she typed me over 10 years ago and try pulling a weed and planting a flower?  I have a lot of 'weeds' of anger, hate and sadness from her not being with me today.  I just pray there's enough 'flowers' of memories and peace in knowing where she is now.

Maybe there's a reason for the unusually high February temperatures and all the early blooming?

Stage ZERO to Stage FOUR... Rain refreshes all

Taken Sept. 2015 - The image reminded me of tonight's much needed rain and washing away some bad feelings.
I know this 'ray of light' thing looks fake, but all of my posted pictures have been unedited, only cropped. Cool huh?

Tuesday's blog was based on love. Unfortunately, Wednesday I turned a 180 and just felt hate... I despise, loathe, abhor, dislike, HATE cancer and what it did to my wife, what it did to my daughter and what it is doing to so many other families.  It is a cowardly disease that runs and hides from treatment, and in the end, attacks in the cruelest forms.

The thing I am most upset with is the fact that we 'had it.'  Vanessa caught it early as possible... she actually knew months ahead of the doctors, but due to the 'standard of care', it took several trips and denials before she got her 1st mammogram approved because she was only 26.
Wednesday morning, I woke up to a reminder on Facebook.  It was the video below from the Don't Ignore Stage Four Campaign.
https://www.facebook.com/cowellanderson/videos/10100290560396812/

The video brought back a lot of memories and I loved hearing her voice, but when I began to think about how doctors, primarily in Greenville at Carolina Breast, had ignored her concerns.... I was filled with hate and anger that consumed me for most of the day.

Below is a letter that was sent to several doctors and lawyers regarding what took place with Vanessa's stage 4 diagnosis.  I'm not sure what we were trying to accomplish?  The medical bills had begun spiraling out of control and we had just felt robbed, ignored and abused by the entire process.  I think we were just looking to fight back against this ever happening to someone else again?

-------------------------------------------------------------

A letter from 8/21/2014

The following information is in regards to my wife, Vanessa Anderson.  We feel as if she was misdiagnosed, but more importantly, following the misdiagnosis she did not receive proper treatment in regards to her complaints for over a year and a half.  We believe that this negligence and disregard to my wife’s complaints has put her where she is today.

My wife has stage 4 breast cancer.  She is ER, PR negative and HER-2 positive... an aggressive cancer.  She has been told by doctors that she will be on chemotherapy indefinitely and has a small percentage chance to live past 5 years.  My wife has an incurable form of cancer that I believe could have been avoided, or at least detected sooner, with some simple blood tests and imaging.

We have learned of 3 other women having similar instances with the same oncologist... one of them nearly identical to my wife’s case below.  We feel that something must be done to hopefully save others from having to face this horrible disease at such an advanced state… leaving them with only limited options to fight.

Below is a timeline highlighting the events, and disregard of my wife’s complaints, that has led us to where we are today.  I apologize for the length, but feel it important to share as you make your decision.

April 2011 to July 2011

Vanessa began having pain, fever and discharge in her left breast and was originally diagnosed with an infection.  After antibiotics and 2 ultrasounds that did not reveal any findings, her primary care doctor referred Vanessa to an oncologist in New Bern, NC.  Doctors found an area of concern after a mammogram, had a biopsy and MRI scheduled that revealed what was thought as DCIS in July 2011.  Vanessa and I had talks with the New Bern oncologist about treatment options.  He recommended a mastectomy and possible radiation and chemotherapy.  Vanessa was concerned about health care in the New Bern area and decided to get a second opinion from doctors in Greenville.  She also had major concerns on reconstructive surgery, being that the New Bern area did not have options available as in Greenville.  Vanessa decided to use doctors in Greenville, primarily for the reconstructive process, after being assured that a mastectomy would remove her cancer.  Vanessa decided to be proactive and have both breasts removed to significantly reduce the possibility that she may redevelop breast cancer at a later date.  The doctors in Greenville assured us that the mastectomy process, along with the reconstruction, had been successfully done on multiple patients, and that any sign of breast cancer would be noticeable through self mammograms and 'bumps' showing on Vanessa’s breast area.  These decisions were made with an understanding that Vanessa was only 26 at diagnosis, she had concerns about her appearance as a young female, and we were assured this process was reliable and an effective means for treatment to her cancer.

August 2011

Vanessa had a double mastectomy surgery with the addition of 'expanders' implanted to begin reconstructive surgery.  Doctors assured us the cancer was removed and all margins were clear.  Vanessa had a follow up appointment after the surgery on 8/29/11, to which we were assured they had removed the cancer and any new growths would be detectable through self mammograms and observations.  I vividly remember him drawing a picture explaining the “peaks and valleys” of the tissue removed and any area of concern would be along the top skin area and noticeable by touch and appearance.   No blood work or testing was done on the visit and the next appointment was scheduled for 2/27/12.

August 2011 – February 2012

Vanessa went through a long and painful process of expanding and having breast reconstruction.  Notes from the plastic surgeon are accurate throughout the process and are available by request.

February 27, 2012

Appointment with oncologist following reconstructive surgery.  No blood work or testing was done on the visit.  Vanessa was reassured from talks on the August 2011 visit about self examination and reoccurrence.  She stated pain in her breast but was told it was from the reconstruction process.  Next appointment was scheduled for 8/30/2012.

August 30, 2012

Follow up appointment with oncologist.  No blood work or testing was done on the visit.  Vanessa again complained of soreness in her breast.  She was reassured any concern would be visible through self examination.  Next appointment was scheduled for March 2013.

*April 16, 2013

Vanessa had to move her appointments due to a switch in insurance providers with a job change.  She visited both doctors on 4/16/2013 and still complained about pain and soreness in her left breast along with not felling well.  Her plastic surgeon discussed the possibility of having a 'cushion' placed against the implant and stated that the 'bump' was possibly scar tissue.  Her oncologist was made aware of the findings and stated from his notes, “LEFT BREAST - Surgically absent. An intact implant is noted. Skin well-healed mastectomy incision.  Tenderness lower outer edge of implant. No irregular/suspicious lesions noted.  PATIENT EDUCATION: - I reassured the patient there are no suspicious findings at this time. No treatment for the pain is indicated at this time. Self-exam technique, frequency and importance emphasized.”  He then scheduled a follow up appointment for 5-6 months out.  Again, no blood work or testing was done on the visit and Vanessa left the appointment frustrated about the area on her breast and not feeling well for some time.

On the way home she began to cry and demanded that I take her to the Emergency Room.  Our family had been battling a flu-bug the past few weeks and I assured Vanessa that if anything was wrong the doctors would have said something.  She was persistent and emotional, so I called our family doctor for a checkup that afternoon.  The doctor agreed that he thought the soreness and “not feeling well” was associated with the bug going around.  But, unlike her oncologist, he decided to do some blood work just to be certain.  The blood work revealed elevated liver function numbers.  This was the first indicator there was definitely a problem.  Vanessa’s cancer had metastasized and spread throughout her breast, bones and liver.  Her liver was completely coated with cancer and she was on the verge of acute liver failure.  Within the week, Vanessa had begun to hallucinate and showed signs of sever jaundice.  It was agreed to begin aggressive chemotherapy to try and control the cancer and regain normal liver function.

I nearly lost Vanessa in May 2013 because of her cancer going undetected for the past year and a half.  No blood work or testing was ever done, no MRI, no type of any imaging, nothing put a quick visual check and the reassurance that if anything were to come back we would see the signs.  Now, Vanessa and our family have to endure chemotherapy treatments indefinitely and watch her fight an advanced cancer.  She has an incurable form of cancer that I believe could have been avoided, or at least detected sooner, with some simple blood tests and imaging.  Again, we strongly feel that something must be done to hopefully save others from having to face this horrible disease at such an advanced state… leaving them with only limited options to fight.

Please advise on what we need to do from here.

Sincerely,

Pete Anderson

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The above letter was sent to several doctors and lawyers.  All it got us was an "I'm sorry" and one lawyer had the audacity to tell me "there's nothing that can be done... the cat was already out of the bag."  The process did, and still does, leave me angry for something that SHOULD NOT have happened to my wife.  After a few attempts, and the same response, we gave up and begin focusing on just fighting what she had been dealt.  For all the wrongs that happened medically, they were replaced with so many positives from New Bern Cancer Care and UNC Cancer Hospitals.  I hope to write about their work in the future.

Despite the feeling, I actually was able to get a lot of work done.  I worked from home today and helped my dad with some insurance issues, and had 2 big issues with work regarding some permitting for farms, and my favorite (sarcasm), legal issues and law.  Later in the afternoon, I got a text from my preacher that Sunday's service was uploaded.  I took a minute to listen and just focused on his words at the end.  It help tremendously.

Despite all the wrongs, all the hate on my part, all the pain... Vanessa won.  She is at peace. She hurts no more. Eternity is hers in a place of perfection.

I will never forget the day Vanessa learned of her 1st diagnosis, Monday, July 25th, 2011. We were both scared out of our minds, but for some reason, I grabbed her hand and started to pray.  I told her, standing in the kitchen while we wept, "no matter the outcome, no matter what we face, you have beaten this. You have won.  Your faith in God guarantees it."

Listening to Dave's message reminded me of the victory and finally stopped a little of the anger.  What little bit that was left was quickly erased by text messages from Meg, picking up Madison from school and seeing her smile, taking Annie and friends for a bite before practice, and one of the greatest basketball games I have ever watched in my entire life... by little 2nd and 3rd graders!?!?!  I could write an entire entry just on the game, but I think I've already wrote enough.

In closing, I was so tired after the afternoon/evening, I passed out on the couch only to be awaken by the sound of thunder and a lot of rain.  Vanessa loved thunderstorms (unlike Ricky who runs and hides under the toilet), and the rain was much needed after several days of February HEAT?!?!?!  :)

The rain made me think of where she is today.  I miss her so much and will probably be riding this crazy train forever, but she's good... she won the battle... she's at peace.  It's my job to not screw things up and meet her again one day.  That ain't going to happen when I'm wanting to drive to Greenville and grab some doctor by the throat.

Sooooooo, I'm trying. I'm praying. I'm doing all I can to focus on what is right, and to be a little more like Vanessa during her time here on Earth. 

Midday thoughts... followup from Sunday and I'm needing it today!

If this blog means anything to you and you feel as if it has moved you in some way, I urge you to take a moment and listen to Dave's words... I could not be prouder of my church, my family and my wife!

I had mentioned the sermon from Two Rivers earlier this week and kinda jumped the gun before it was uploaded.  It is now available and I have embedded it into this post.  I ask that you listen to the message... all of it, but specifically the last 7 minutes (starting at 27:00 mins and on).

Dave McCants does a wonderful job exemplifying what Vanessa really did during her time here on Earth... a lot better than my rambling text.  Honestly, I prefer listening over reading... just because I'm that lazy :)