The joy and pain in music and memories

In an effort to stay productive at work today, I thought I'd use my lunch time to clear a little 'mental clutter' from the past couple of days.  I've been on a roll with productivity... now that I have a great schedule with Madison at camp and some big projects at work to keep me occupied.

I felt really guilty yesterday afternoon following church.  I've gotten into the habit of skipping the first part of the service to avoid the music.  This really has been bothering me, especially because our church has such a great praise team and the fact that music has always been a big part of my experience within church.

Unfortunately, I have discovered that music will break me down at a moments notice.  My mind races back to Vanessa in church raising her hands in praise and all the faith she kept through her trials and battle with cancer.  I am tired of crying and I try to avoid it.  I really hate crying in public and feel that I have been really good at dealing with things following her death.  I don't like trying to avoid things and live in denial, but is it better to give yourself a 'buffer' from things that will break you down and give yourself time, or just deal with it straight up?

The old me thought that once you dealt with it, it got easier and you could move on.  I have found with music and church, that I could cry every Sunday... it's crazy!?!?!?  Again, there's nothing wrong with it... I'm touchy here too, because a nurse once got on me for trying not to cry when Vanessa was in the hospital.  She asked me what was wrong with crying, to which I had no response, and Vanessa really enjoyed seeing me in the awkward moment.

I guess what I'm getting at here is that I really miss being a part of the praise team.  I miss playing the drums.  I miss enjoying the joys of music.  But, how do you get back to that when you are constantly reminded by sadness.  I really don't want to rush back to playing, get up on stage and then have a breakdown.  Nothing worse than the drummer getting off time because he's sobbing during a song.

I'm interested to see people's responses to this...  cause I'm at a loss.  I rarely turn on the radio now or listen to music.

I'm good 99% of the time now.  I have gotten on a decent schedule, get average sleep, spend good times with the girls, I've even started exercising again and I am starting an assault on the several pounds I have packed on with my emotional eating... a must after noticing I look like Santa Claus without the beard and red suit (this will be another post, for another time).

Meg started volunteering at the church with the nursery, and I am very proud of her.  She made the statement that we need to get back involved.  I agree, but I'm just not sure where I fit in at the moment?  Religion and emotions are somewhat hypersensitive at times.  I'm not doubting my faith, I still feel I have strong faith, but I am just tired of getting emotional at times I can't control... maybe I should schedule them on my over-packed calendar?!?!?!

Honestly, I have to keep strong with the "Reverend Maddy Ray" in the house... my little 9 year old evangelical daughter keeps me on the straight and narrow :)

Lastly, and on a very positive note, I am starting to enjoy the reminders on Facebook.  For sometime, I had to avoid them to keep from getting down.  I found that the reminders were often too much to deal with.  However, after focusing on all the positives in them, I have really started enjoying them once again.

Below is a memory from 2 years ago on this day... it's too good not to share.

I'm hoping that sooner or later music will once again become a good memory that's easier to manage like these posts.  Anyways, enjoy the post from a few years ago... it really helped me put a few things in perspective today! 

Posted June 26, 2015:

Only for Vanessa...

I'm sitting here waiting for Vanessa's radioactive egg to pass, so I'm bored & thought I'd kill a little time on Facebook?... sharing a story on how she makes me a better person.

We arrived early for her study, around 12:30, hoping to hurry things along so she could eat or drink. She has not had anything since 9pm yesterday. As always, we had to sit & wait at check in, about 45 minutes. During check in we both noticed a strange man walking around with a black bag on his back. He acted a little strange & just kept pacing back & forth. On top of the strange demeanor, he was wearing a 'gas station' Tar Heel hat (I will refrain from derogatory comments). We eventually learned from his mumblings that he had been waiting for a ride home for over 3 hours. Vanessa said, "you should offer him a ride." Well, you can guess my reaction... 1st, I wasn't about to leave Vanessa alone at the doctors & 2nd, I really didn't want to be stuck in the car with that guy. I told her if he was still out front after she went back, I would give him a ride home... hoping to forget about it later.

After sitting & waiting for another 10 minutes, I got up to ask what was going on & why we had to wait (hungry). I don't get too upset, but mess with my food & I can get a bad attitude. Luckily I was met by a nurse calling Vanessa's name to go back.

We sat in the back waiting for the nurse to cook an egg for another 30 minutes... Vanessa was a lot calmer than myself. Finally, the egg was done & Vanessa went back to sit under the imaging equipment & I had to go back out front.

Wouldn't you know it, not a soul was there except the stranger needing a ride (looking more agitated than before). I walked over & offered him a ride, to which he excitingly responded yes. What followed was perhaps the strangest conversation I have ever had for 20 minutes. I dropped him off & thought as he walked inside how I take for granted so many things, & how I probably would not have thought about doing this without Vanessa's voice in my head.

I am thankful for all that I have. I joke my little Kia with no a/c, but I know that guy today would have given anything for it. Also, I'm so thankful for friends & family that would be anywhere in the drop of a hat to pick me up if needed... this guy had no one.

Give thanks for all you have & offer to share with those less fortunate... you may be taking for granted all that you have been blessed with.

Learning to use my insomnia o_0

May is anniversary month.... and there are a million reminders everywhere

I'm not sure if it's just reminders from this time of year when Vanessa was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, my recent trip to Virginia and all the memories of her, our upcoming 'would've been' 10th year anniversary or whatever the case may be?  But, I am having difficulty shutting my brain off and getting sleep.  So tonight I decided to use the new found time for some productivity and did a mass media campaign for some upcoming meetings and processed a bunch of license and paperwork... now let's see if I can get some sleep?

One thing I have decided to do is restart a little blogging from time to time to empty out some thoughts.  It really seemed to help before, so I'm hoping it can do the same again.  I figured it was needed after an episode earlier this week when a mobile pizza truck brought me to tears... yes, a pizza truck.  Vanessa would always joke about the pizza truck that would pop up at Broad Creek every Monday.  It was one of the ways she could remember days after her brain tumor diagnosis.  For some reason it was just too much to deal with for me.

There's been a million reminders this week blowing up my Facebook 'On this date' due to her diagnosis and the out pour of prayer and community support.  I've also started trying to work through all the piles of paper that were dropped after her passing... hence the late night work and license processing.

Today's big reminder was finding a letter she had saved in the Kia glove compartment I had sent to her almost 9 years ago... it brought back a lot of great memories and reminded me how strong our love was.

I'm learning to focus on positives and good memories to keep me heading in the right direction, and there are surely a million after looking through memories of all the support our family received after her stage 4 diagnosis and following her passing.  I can't thank our friends and family enough... we've had so much help and I cannot tell you with words how thankful I really am.  Plus, it's hard to even write coherent sentences at 2:00am :)

Below is a post from 4 years ago... it talks about all the support we received and the struggles she faced defying the odds of the 3 months she was given at the time of her stage 4 diagnosis.  I'm so thankful for every 'extra day' we were together and all of the support you gave to help make it happen... thank you! thank you! thank you!

Just another bipolar roller-coaster kinda day...

Over the past few months I have discovered that Facebook is a good thing to limit... especially for those dealing with their own issues.  It's amazing all the negativity and garbage people post.  I will say that the good does outweigh the bad most days, but focusing on my own issues has really helped.  I'd 'unplug' completely if I could, but I use it for way too many things with work and for the Boosters... so, it has become a limited thing at best.  I try not to venture to far from tasks and have limited my time... it has helped me tremendously.

The last few days have been okay, but reminders can send me spiraling quickly in the wrong direction if I let it.  I'm still in the process of finalizing things with the cemetery and with trying to figure out all of the medical bills.  I'm so thankful for Vanessa's mom and dad, and for all their help through this.  I know it is rough on them with the constant reminders too, but both of them have been there to help me emotionally and financially... to which I can never thank them enough.  Their support is the only thing that has helped me get through the funeral service, burial and hospital issues.  It's unbelievable everything that is involved in the process.

So, as far as the random blogging today, I just need to clear my thoughts and try to keep being productive at work.  I've been very lucky the past month and have been catching up with hidden issues that were dropped during February.  I can honestly say that there are a few piles of papers and items at home, and in the office, that were just dropped at the time of Vanessa's passing.  I've managed to work my way through a lot of it, and each item is a reminder of that time and takes me back if I let it.

This morning started off well.  I had to take Madison and Annie to school because Meg had an FFA trip and had to leave early.  It was great to leave the house early and have the distraction.  We let Ricky ride with us to school... which is always entertaining and enjoyable.  When returning home to drop off Ricky and head to work, I noticed the papers I needed to take to the cemetery to finalize the headstone order for Vanessa.  The only thing missing was printing off the pictures of her that will be in a cameo on the headstone.  Just beside it was more mailings from UNC and CarolinaEast, so I figured to be very productive today and knock them all out while heading to the office.  I called UNC, and I 'think' everything there is final?!?!?!  It only took about an hour and 4 different calls.  I then decided to drop off the pictures for printing (and let me say, anytime I look through pictures it hurts) and then go across the street to CarolinaEast to figure out their 20+ billing statements.  I was able to get most of it figured out and at least consolidated in a few minutes.  I took the opportunity to update my dad's hospital information, and actually had a very productive visit without too much of an issue.

I then grabbed the pictures, finalized all the headstone order and then it hit... I really missed her today.  I stopped by the grave and just missed her.  Talking to flowers doesn't do much good, so I decided to try and find anything with her voice on it.  I unfortunately don't have a lot of videos of Vanessa... every time I started videoing, Madison HAD to get in the middle and be the center of attention.  I can sympathize being the baby in my family.  What I did find today helped so much.  It lightened my mood and actually made me smile... Vanessa's laugh.  God, how I miss that laugh.

I sat by her grave for awhile and just listened to it over and over again.  I finally made my way to the office, still a little emotionally distracted, and decided it was time to post something.  So... here it all is.  I've dumped my thoughts, saved and shared a video of the greatest laugh in history and hopefully preserved a memory for Madison that she can always lean on.

I hope you enjoy the laughter as much as I did... it truly saved my day and gave me so many wonderful memories.

I LOVE YOU MORE VANESSA!!!

Home is where the heart is...

I've started a lot of blog entries the past few weeks, but have stopped & been able to clear my mind... tonight doesn't seem like that's going to be the case.

I wanted to bring Madison up to see family before softball season went into full gear & thought I'd be able to handle memories here in Virginia... and to stick with the theme, that doesn't seem like it's going to be the case.

Despite my feelings right now, I'm glad I'm here for Madison & for Vanessa's family. They need this & I need it more than I realized. Every first after her passing is tough. I thought I could handle sleeping in her room... but I just can't.

I am missing her tonight & wanted to hear from her... so thankful for a message from her from 6 years ago that just popped up on my phone...

Another Timehop "gem" seems to summarize what I'm feeling right now from 2 years ago...

I'm coming to the conclusion that this is always going to hurt and to repeat what I said before, I am struggling to find the good in this right now... I am always going to miss her, I will always feel sadness when I do and no time amount can really dull the pain. However, memories of her can make me smile and seeing Vanessa in Madison will definitely do the same... Madison was all Vanessa this afternoon when she covered up in her mom's favorite blanket & snoozed during the ride...

I'm missing you tonight and love you more than ever! Wish I could tell it to you one more time.

It's almost St. Patrick's Day!

Looking through Timehop today brought the reminder that St. Patrick's Day is near... it was one of Vanessa's 'favorite' holidays, although she claimed every holiday was her favorite holiday :)

I know St. Patrick's Day ranks up there, just because of the very first time she met my sisters and the fun we had in Atlanta on St. Patrick's Day 10 years ago.  It was a very eventful trip and I'm sure Vanessa's Timehop, and mine, will be lit up with reminders of the trip.

One of Vanessa's very first cakes... she would later get more involved with baking, which was not good for our waistlines, but so good to our souls :)  Annie and Vanessa could bake some of the tastiest, and most fattening, buttercream cakes.

One other 'jewel' that popped up today was a reference to Judge Judy.  I'm honestly amazed it has taken 18 blog entries before my 1st picture or reference to this woman who was on our TV every night from 7:00pm to 8:00pm.  Vanessa loved to watch this show, and honestly, I couldn't stand it.  The bullying and nagging from the woman would drive me crazy, but the people on the show would usually make us laugh together.  I learned to deal with it over the years, because it was Vanessa's mindless release.  We got a few laughs from time to time, and if I didn't watch it with her, she would run to the bedroom and watch it on the TV in there.  Regardless, she was going to watch the show... with me, or without me.

I haven't been able to watch the show since she was in the hospital nearly a month ago.  Honestly, we haven't been home to watch much TV.  Between Madison with softball practice and Annie's basketball/volleyball, the last month has kept us from having any real TV time.  I'm sure the day will come where I find myself watching the show just to think about Vanessa... luckily, I've been able to find enough journal entries and Timehop pictures to fill the void!

Cause every little thing gonna be alright...

The title of this entry is based on one of my favorite songs (and one of Vanessa's), Bob Marley's 3 Little Birds.  However, I was thinking of naming it 'Love on the Brain' after hearing that song some 3 million times over the weekend.  It seriously has been on the radio every time I have driven in the car this weekend.  It definitely reminds me of Vanessa, cause she loved the song, sang it all the time and even posted about it last month...

Today was definitely a Vanessa day... just because it snowed!?!?!  I could hear her scream and run outside, do her snow dance and of course... try to catch enough snow to make snow cream :)  That girl loved snow more than the kids and would stay up all night at times just to see snow flakes.  Every time snow came to the area, she would argue to drive to where the largest accumulations would be :)

Despite our 'blizzard' this morning, I was still able to go to church with Madison and her friend Dakota.  We then pulled off some pretty cool feats for our Lady Canes basketball team by getting a lot of the community to come out and show their support.  The greatest accomplishment was getting the Regional Champion banner from New Bern (driven by my dad), passing the parade route, after we had already welcomed them at the County line, and getting it seconds just before the bus pulled into the High School Gym parking lot.  The pictures below catch some of the spirit of the day, but honestly don't give it justice... it was a really cool thing to do for a group of deserving young ladies and some awesome coaches.

At the Pamlico County Line welcoming the bus once it entered the County... cars, fire trucks and people lined the roadside for several hundred yards.  We also passed several families out by the roadside on the 15 minute ride to the school gym.

The banner made it just in time!  So cool to have a parking lot full when the bus came in to the gym.

Just a portion of the crowd that flooded the gym floor welcoming the girls home... wish I had gotten a picture from above in the stands!  It was a special day, and really amazing how it all came together.

The entire day was just a special day all around... from church, to the community rally, to softball practice with Maddy, to taking all the signs down with her and some 'one on one time', to dinner with Maddy and Annie at home, to time on the couch with Annie and Meg... just a day that makes you smile before you lay your head down at night.

As I carried Ricky outside before bed, I was just gazing at the beautiful full moon and felt a sense of accomplishment and peace I haven't felt for sometime.  It felt like Vanessa was smiling down on me and the night was a lot brighter than usual.

I walked in to empty my thoughts in the blog before bed (actually happy ones for once) and decided just to open Vanessa's book for some inspiration... and man did I ever find it!  My heart is filled with such pride from reading her words and gives me inspiration to keep on keeping on.

I can't tell you how proud this entry made me feel... especially after today :)

I love you Vanessa and can say without a doubt, you made me the man I am today... and I'm even more proud to be called Vanessa's husband.

Back to UNC for the 1st time after her passing... that wasn't easy

Today was an eventful day... from our Lady Canes playing in the basketball state championship at the Dean Dome, to a great time with great friends, seeing my buddy Chad since the funeral and Madison getting to spend a little 'kid time' with someone her age.  Her softball buddy Dakota is here tonight and I can hear them playing dolls in the bedroom as I type... that makes me happy :)

All in all, it was a good day.  I'm proud of our Lady Canes for being the Eastern Regional Champions and I enjoyed being with friends.  However, I wasn't ready to handle that ride.  I haven't done it since my last trip with Vanessa when she was 'surprised' admitted to the ER and then into the Cancer Hospital on Feb. 7th through the 9th...

And who can forget the allergic reaction from the nasty socks I was forced to wear???

It brought back a lot of memories from that trip, but it also brought back memories of every trip we had made over the years.  We adopted a 'new normal' and just made her treatment days at UNC kind of a date day.  It was great getting to talk with her uninterrupted during our 6 hours driving time (sometimes a lot more with traffic), and we got lots of time together just talking while getting treatments or waiting for the doctors.  It sounds weird, but we had the greatest time together in the hospitals and I really enjoyed being with her there.  I guess the reminder of what she faced made my attention that much more focused to her, and the time together that much sweeter.

Every sign, building, bump, etc. seemed to make me think of her and some type of memory.  I was doing really good until we passed Raleigh and I saw the Sheraton Imperial from Interstate 40.  I lost it for a few minutes.  That was the place where I first talked to Vanessa and we fell in love at first sight... and with our first conversation that lasted for hours.

Old school flip phone picture:  Vanessa attempted to iron my work clothes the very 1st time we met... she actually made them more wrinkled :)  I wish we had better camera phones 10 years ago, because those first years together were a blast.  Needless to say, but we kinda were instantly attracted to each other from the very first time we met.

I also have some very fond memories of trips Vanessa and I made to the Dean Dome for games, bars on Franklin St., and all around the area... but somethings need to stay private :)

It's amazing all the memories I have from a 10 year marriage... it honestly seemed like a thousand years (in a great way), and I guess living 6 years of our marriage dealing with cancer made us live it a 'little more'?

I thank God for every day I was blessed to be with Vanessa and I miss them so much...

I made it through another 'first' of facing old memories, and I guess it will get easier over time?  Today, however, was not that easy, but I'm glad I went.  I hope my memories will always be this vivid and I hope I never take for granted another day...

We should be friends... It's Friday!

What a wonderful feeling!  I crashed last night when I got home and didn't wake until 6:00am! I forgot what 8 hours of sleep felt like.  Unfortunately, that joy quickly diminished when I began moving.  The lactic acid is not my friend...

I decided yesterday, after reading some in Vanessa's journal (and her writing a million times), to take better care of my health and to better manage my eating habits.  With all the emotions in me, I decided to just sweat them out with a barrage of weight lifting and time on the elliptical.  Yesterday and last night was great... today may be a different story?

On a side note, after the workout I came outside to a beautiful sunny day in the 70's. I climbed in the 'Mintyvan' and rolled the windows down and decided to jam :)  Miranda Lambert's new song, "We should be friends", came on.  Now for those of you who knew Vanessa 10 years ago, you may disagree about this song being her.  But, I can tell you, she embraced 'the County' and found her inner-country girl.  This song is 99.99% Vanessa... especially the part about "what daddy says."  Take a listen and smile... it's Friday too (and almost 5... well, it's getting closer! Hell, who wants a mimosa for breakfast?!?!)  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fOxxRf_3XI

Vanessa was beautiful, well educated and elegant... BUT, she also could drink your butt under the table and kick your butt if need be.  She was the perfect balance of grace and crazy.  Well, unless 'Veronica' came out... then it was all mean crazy!

In other notes, I found the following on her Timehop yesterday and wanted to share...

Vanessa wasn't the greatest cook at times, although she mastered the crockpot later on in our marriage.  Thank God for her friendship with Rachel... cause that girl can cook and gave Vanessa all kinds of good recipes!  :)

After her Houston trip in 2015, the advocating train took off!  So proud of Vanessa stepping out of her comfort zone!

I have to type out of the caption on this one...

On the softball picture, this was on her Timehop yesterday, and the 1st softball practice was last night.  Madison and I scrambled to get to practice early between my Booster meal for the girls basketball team, attending the community rally, grabbing a quick supper and trying to finish homework.  Madison did good at practice, but she's definitely more of a basketball type girl (primarily due to her size), and she's more of a cheerleader due to her MOUTH! :)

Anyways, toward the end of practice, I let a few girls 'attempt' pitching... and Madison did really well.  I can hear Vanessa now, "I can't handle her being up there... it's going to drive me crazy!"  We had worked on pitching a little in the off-season and everything seemed to stick.  Vanessa was so nervous watching her throw... hopefully, Vanessa can be an "Angel in the Infield" if Madison does pitch, cause we still have some work to do on controlling them 'octopus arms' and 'stork legs' in running and fielding.  The really cool thing was, after practice she was begging me to work with her some today on pitching and hitting... Vanessa would be so proud!

Enjoy the weekend!

She helped more than I could imagine...

Vanessa volunteering her time to stuff Easter eggs for cancer patients in New Bern.  Each egg contained a treat and a handwritten inspirational message.  It was these stories that I witnessed, and even more, the stories that I am learning about each day after her passing, that make me see how truly of an angel she really was...

Last night's plan on getting to sleep before midnight didn't happen... I found myself looking at pictures once again and then made my way through her journals. The very last entry in a prayer book she had titled "Thirty-One Prayers for my Husband", was something very special to me.  It was entered on January 31st and talked about my upcoming work conference.  Her handwriting was nowhere near as neat as it once was due to all the previous radiation and the cancer beginning to wreck havoc on her nervous system.  Regardless, I was able to read it and it astonished me that in her last weeks, dealing with everything SHE was facing... the pain, the worry, the fears... here she was, praying for my confidence and my success for a work function!?!?!  She still amazes me...

She bought prayer books for each of us, one where I prayed for her, and the other (titled above) where she prayed for me. I did the majority of the one for Vanessa, but when I went back and looked at Vanessa's, she had not only filled it out once... she was doing it a second time?!?!?

There where so many entries about how proud she was of me and how thankful she was of our relationship.  It brought a joy to my heart, and after a while, I was finally able to get some sleep.

Today it hit me about how much Vanessa had helped me over the years... especially with my job.  I transferred from NC Cooperative Extension to the NC Department of Agriculture just over 6 years ago.  My job with Extension came natural to me and it was something I really enjoyed.  However, my job with NCDA has come with a big learning curve.  I've never been 100% confident with myself in this job, just because everything was new and the level of expertise in some of the subject matter is beyond measurable.  Vanessa always built me up.  I felt like I could do anything with her pulling for me.

I found myself thinking back after today's meeting and just laughing at what's become normal to me with my job... I rambled off financial breakdowns for our grower's association and have developed tools that help our production and our bottom-line.  I thought about the conference call we had and my participation in helping facilitate the meeting.  There's noway I would be where I am today without her prayers and support.

It really hit me hard following the meeting when a couple of producers and co-workers made it a point to tell me how proud they were of me, and how outstanding of a job I had done with preparing and facilitating this year's conference... while juggling everything at the hospital. Again, this was all from Vanessa supporting me and constantly reminding me I could do anything.

Following the meeting, I decided to stop and treat myself, and grab the girls supper, at Bill's Hot Dogs.  It was such a beautiful afternoon, and the smell of the hot dogs made me stop and take a second to enjoy one before riding home.  While eating, I decided to catch up on my emails and Facebook messages.  What I found was something that made me cry the entire 45 minute ride home... 

A parent of a student-athlete sent the message below to me...
Good morning Pete, I have been wanting to share this with you but I was unsure how, when or where to do it... My daughter was so touched by Vanessa. I didn't even know she had a connection with her the way she did. I found out when I told her about Vanessa's passing. As soon as I told her, she looked at me and said, "Mom, no no no!  I don't want to hear that."  She began to cry. I hugged her and told her it would be okay. She said mom, "I LOVED HER!" Then she told me a story about the banquet, and how Vanessa came up to her and hugged her and congratulated her. Vanessa told her how she was proud of her and how she loved to watch her play. She told her that she wanted her to continue on with playing and she knew she would accomplish great things in life. My daughter never shared with me what she said to her until that day. She was still very upset so I logged on to my Facebook and pulled up your post leading up to that day. I gave her my phone and showed her where to start reading. I told her if you read this it might help. She began to read and I walked away. When I returned her eyes were filled with tears and I asked her...Did that help? She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said NO. My heart broke for her in that moment. Vanessa was a great women. She found a way to touch everybody in this county in some way or another. I debated back and forth about sending you this. I know you are hurting and I have been praying for you and your girls. I didn't want to cause you any more pain than you were already feeling. I asked my daughter this morning before school if she would mind if I told you about what happened, and she said I could. So, I said today is the day. This story has some good in it. It shows that Vanessa was a ray of sunshine no matter where she was or what she was doing. Her love spread wide and I really just wanted you to know how Vanessa has touched my daughter's life. If there is anything I can do to help you or the girls, please let me know. I will continue to pray for you, the girls and Vanessa's family.

I responded (and meant every word):

Thank you for sharing and I couldn't agree more... Vanessa changed my life & brought me so much closer in a relationship with God. When she & I were 1st married, I lost my sister (who was like a mom/best friend to me). She was only 35 when she passed & I was very angry at God... Vanessa helped me cope with a very difficult time, & even through her battle with cancer, kept me focused on God's will, his plan, & never questioning what may happen here on Earth. There's a greater plan & we don't see that here. She had a way of helping people see the good in all things. I miss her like crazy... I can't even begin to tell you how broken I am without her beside me. Vanessa was only 32 when she passed. BUT, I know where she is today and I'm so glad she is no longer in pain. Her cancer was ruthless at the end & I couldn't take watching her suffer. All she endured over 6 years of fighting is simply amazing, but hearing the stories of how many people she inspired is even more amazing.  Again, thank you for sharing... it makes my heart smile.

As I said above, I cried the entire way home.  All I could think about was how Vanessa was constantly building people up and encouraging everyone around her!  She was constantly praying for family, friends and our community.  When we first married, she was concerned about me over-committing and just volunteering too much.  We had the occasional argument about how much time I spent coaching, volunteering and going to every possible event of the girls... on top of work.  It really bothers me today that I missed so much 'extra' time with her, because I was always on the run and away from home.  However, then it hit me... she was with me the majority of the time.  She's the one that convinced me into taking the Booster Club position... she loved helping in the concession stand, going to the girls events, and cheering on all the kids down the county.  She took her 1st job in the county to heart too!  I remember when she started at Pamlico DSS, she wanted to adopt EVERY foster child in the county.

Vanessa had a huge heart, a selfless heart and always cared for others... even during her last days on Earth.  She prayed for so many, worried for so many and tried to lift up everyone she could... even as her body was slowly giving way to cancer.

I wish I could say with confidence, that I could be as faithful and caring to others if I had been in the same situation as Vanessa.  I honestly can't... she was an angel of compassion and care even while living in Hell with her own fight against cancer.  Because of all this, I can say, I know her reward in Heaven is great and I am so proud to still call her my wife!

Vanessa, I love you EVEN MORE today!

Cheating today and stealing from Facebook

The image from 'On this Date' via Facebook... I'm cheating tonight and not typing so much...
It's definitely a 'cut and paste' kinda night and the bed is actually calling my name for once! 

I woke up this morning to a reminder on Facebook... both of them stung a little.  I've already mentioned the trip to Ireland and Scotland in previous posts, and the refund is in process, but seeing a reminder from Vanessa this morning brought back a feeling of anger again.  I hate there's so many things we didn't do... I'd give anything to go back and just live like there was not tomorrow... because it happened a lot sooner than I expected.

The other reminder was a feeling of pride and how Vanessa stepped out of her comfort zone thanks to a new found friend in Beth Fairchild.  Below is a post she had today...

I posted the following comment to Beth and meant every word:
Thank you for helping Vanessa find her 'inner-advocate'... she never was really big on getting up and speaking out, and honestly, she hated the spotlight. But with all she went through and all that we learned, she had to tell the story. It's amazing that with all the technology and medical breakthroughs we have today, the only one that works, and works fastest, is the way you are feeling... she was ahead of her 1st diagnosis (and knew before the result in 2011), also when she was diagnosed stage IV in 2013, brain mets in 2015 and CL in 2017. Stage IV NEEDS MORE and cancer needs to be wiped off of this Earth!!! Someone is going to kick this disease's ass... I was hoping it was Vanessa, and now I'm leaning on you. Bring this damn disease to an end... I believe you can do it!!!

I'm praying for a day with no cancer... a day my daughters won't have to worry about this dreaded disease.  I feel we're getting closer, and I pray it's sooner than later.

With that said, I'm actually planning on going to bed before midnight for the first time in nearly a month.  Last night's ramblings and restlessness has prepped me for a 'normal' nights sleep... keeping my fingers crossed :)

I hate roller coasters!

This is the very 1st picture on my phone memory... it's from a trip Vanessa and I took back in 2009 for our 2nd year anniversary.  This was taken at Busch Gardens (1 of her favorite places) just before she took me on a roller coaster spree...

While talking with a co-worker today, I was asked how things were going, to which I responded, "it's an up and down roller coaster."  Then it hit me... I hate roller coasters.  I mean literally.  Some of my worst memories are from trying to ride the things.  I always argued with Vanessa and the girls that roller coasters impact fat people differently... it's true!  Newton's Second Law of Motion states: The net force on an object is equal to the mass of the object multiplied by the acceleration of the object.  AND I GOT A LOT OF MASS!

I remember Vanessa and I went to Busch Gardens for our anniversary back in 2009.  We stayed there for a week in a couple different B&B's and did the tourist thing around Williamsburg, a few days at Busch Gardens and a bunch of wineries.

While at Busch Gardens, after a few beers, Vanessa finally convinced me to ride a few roller coasters with her.  We laughed and it wasn't too bad.  But, to be honest, I never opened my eyes on the things.  I'd just wedge myself in the seat, hold on tight and close my eyes until it was over.  I'd just make it through the ride... that was my goal.  Luckily, we stopped and focused on more 'old people stuff', like our beautiful pottery below (it's still displayed in our kitchen today)

Well, later that night we got ready for bed and every time I closed my eyes, it felt like I was back on the roller coaster... it was literally making me sick and every time I closed my eyes, it made me feel as if I was dropping on a ride.  I didn't sleep much that night, much like I'm doing tonight.  I've just got too many feelings in my head and just can't close my eyes.

I don't have many poignant sayings tonight, I don't have any life changing statements like in yesterday's post and finding that amazing message from Vanessa and all the sobbing.  However, I am in the realization that I'm on this roller coaster whether I like it or not.  All I want to do is just close my eyes and get it over with, but this ride doesn't end.

I'm lucky for my girls, and can't stress how much joy they give me and how lucky I am to have the relationships I have with them. I miss Vanessa as much as ever... probably even more tonight?  I just spent the past 2 hours looking at all of our Facebook posts.  She was on Facebook from 2005 until.  I was on it from 2010 until.  I wish we both still had our Myspace pages, but we both instantly deleted those when we 1st started dating :)  Vanessa had too many college posts on her's and I had a few issues with mine to hide.  Just looking at all the posts and pictures brought back a million emotions, and honestly, made me realize I've been on this ride for the past decade.  The only difference is, it's been climbing up... we've had so many joys I've never even looked down at how high we were.  We had a few 'side to side turns', don't get me wrong... it's not all been perfect.  But, our marriage and friendship was like nothing else I've ever experienced.

I'm glad I kept my eyes open for this ride, cause I would have hated missing one second if I had walked away when things got tough, or when we didn't see eye to eye.  I'm glad for every second.

I've fallen pretty far the past few weeks, but my daughters, family and friends are taking me back up.  I have the occasional 'drop' from time to time if I let my mind wander, and I let sadness throw me.  But, I guess that's the thrill and joy of a roller coaster?  Maybe I can learn to enjoy the ride?

In closing, I got the much needed opportunity to talk with Madison tonight about her mom.  I've been so worried about her not crying or showing any real sadness.  I just wanted her to know it's okay to cry and to feel sad from time to time.  There's going to be times she really misses her mom, and it's okay to cry about them.  I wanted her to know that I am crying from time to time, but the thing that makes me stop is the realization of where her mom is today.

We both shared a few tears on the ride home tonight, but as always, our prayers went to heaven and straight to God and her mom... and that makes our hearts smile.  I found a letter from one of our family friends that was wrote to Madison.  It was a beautiful letter that described all the emotions and feelings she would be facing.  This family friend had lost her mom and shared her experience so graciously with Madison... it was the perfect accompaniment to our previous conversation tonight.  It was pretty amazing coming from a Buffalo Bills fan?!?! ;)  I'm glad my new organizational skills allowed me to locate the letter...

I'm hoping to get some sleep... I've cleaned, done dishes, organized the fridge, vacuumed, and as stated above, even came up with an organization system for all the mail that's pouring in...

I'm sure Vanessa is smiling down from heaven tonight with me finding yet another way to stack stuff, but I know she's smiling at how well the girls and I have continued on... cleaned, school work, my job, and I've even caught up on all the laundry!?!?!  Miracles do happen!

I miss her, but now understand the joys of the roller coaster a little better.  Still doesn't mean I'm going to squeeze my fat butt in one of those tiny seats, but I can understand the joy of the ups and downs, and I know that when this ride stops one day... it will be the greatest thrill ever!

I guess I should've felt this coming?

I joined the crybaby club today... don't ever want to feel like this again!

 If you do not read anything else I post, PLEASE read the message below... it's amazing how God can lift us up and give us hope when we hit rock bottom or lose our way in emotions.

I had a complete breakdown while working on the last post (with all the pictures) of Vanessa this morning before church.  It's the first time I lost control and couldn't get back my composure, and was by far, the worst feeling I have EVER had.  Looking through Facebook, it looked like today, and the last couple of days were very hard for her mom, dad, family and friends.  I saw posts that broke my heart, and unfortunately, I know how you feel.

I just got lost in the pictures and started thinking about all the memories.  I was longing to hug her. I missed her so much this morning.  I wanted to hold her hand, hug her, kiss her... just be beside her.  I had not had a breakdown for sometime and the emotions overwhelmed me like a tidal wave.  I had to lock myself in the bedroom, because I just didn't want Madison seeing me completely out of it.

This crying and pain was ugly and it felt like every sob sent my body in convulsions and left me gasping for air.  I hate feeling this way and I couldn't stop or gain composer.  I felt lost, hopeless, overwhelmed, alone and without direction.  For some reason, the fact of her being gone at the moment just choked out any hope or positive thoughts I scrambled to find... I really hope I never go back there again.  One time was certainly enough.

But, as only Vanessa could do... there was a message of love and hope directly to me at my lowest.  It was from Vanessa's thoughts, written by her hand and directly left for me on this day, I say her journal laying by the edge of the bed.  I don't know what possessed me to pick it up and open it?  The entry may have been a day early, but it was right on time for me.  I saved this post for today, March 6th, because I will use it today and everyday.  It gives me strength to move forward another day.  Here is the message I found from her journal... simply amazing!

I can't reiterate enough, I've never felt so low as I did today, and to have this message in my hands completely suppressed all the darkness, sadness, hopelessness, etc.  The entire message was beautiful, but her writing in the lower left corner made my heart explode with love.  Vanessa wrote, "The time on Earth is just a fraction of OUR life in eternity."

I thank God for her writing this... because honestly, I think I was lost at that moment... I'm talking, not getting out of the bed, I don't care about eating, sleeping, breathing, living, anything, lost.  I missed her and the gravity of having her gone was taking me down.

I thank God for that message.  I thank Vanessa for leaving it for me.  And I ask anyone who reads this to pray my focus will stay here... to stay focused on an eternal love and a reuniting in such a better place than the misery of this Earth.

I finally dried my eyes to realize Meg and Madison had left for church without me.  Meg had sent a message saying they were in the 'front right'... Vanessa's space :)  I hopped in the 'Minty Van' and made it just before Dave started the sermon.  I was able to finish out the day with time well spent with all 3 girls.

I'll cherish my time on Earth with my daughters, I'll give them everything I can and I will be here as long as God allows me to.  But, my eyes are locked on Heaven and my peace now lays on the focus of 'OUR life in eternity.'

Bring on Monday and the week!

She's Beautiful

Vanessa when we first met... now you see why I was so smitten :)
Unfortunately, she struggled with the effects of chemo and steroids.
But to me, she was always so beautiful, inside and out.

After last night's picture post of Vanessa, I could hear her say, "Why did you use one of my bald and swollen head pictures?"  Vanessa loved her hair.  She also wanted to set an example for Madison with her health.  She took pride in her appearance when we first met like most women do.  She struggled with weight after having Madison, but when she made it through her 1st round of cancer in 2011, she and I both felt we had been given a second chance by catching it so early.  We both lost a lot of weight.  I actually got down to 240... which was my weight my sophomore year in high school.  Unfortunately, after she was re-diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, we both became very depressed and were both emotionally eating.  To make things worse for Vanessa, she lost her hair. She (and everybody who had ever seen it) loved her beautiful dark red hair.  It was gorgeous.  She could deal with the mastectomies, scars, etc., but when she lost her hair, it really hit her hard...

This was her 1st journal entry after being diagnosed stage 4 and losing her hair.

Our 'healthy time'... after her 1st cancer scare.

She learned to cope with losing her hair and fell in love with getting extensions.  It made her so happy to be able to twirl her hair again... she constantly did that when we were 1st dating.  Another area she struggled with was the effects from all the steroids... especially with the added weight and swelling of her face.  I remember when she was able to reduce her steroids for the 1st time and she went crazy in the gym trying to beat back some of the weight gain.  I wasn't much help with my constant depression eating and beer drinking.  Looking back, I wish I had done more to help her with her fight.  She hung this paper in the room and stared at it everyday, and everyday she exercised as best she could.

Through it all she handled herself with such grace.  She learned to cope with the ups and downs, the loss of her hair and the yo-yo weight swings.  The one thing that stayed constant was her smile and her faith in God.  By enduring what she did, and telling others her story, she touched a lot of lives.

*SIDE STORY, and one that has to be told/saved.  (Sorry!, I just have to!)  After Vanessa's passing, a visitor came to the house.  We were swapping stories about Vanessa and the question of why this would happen to such a good person was asked.  I thought the woman said, "Why Vanessa? Why couldn't it have been some prostitute, why did God punish such a sweet and lovely lady?"  I don't think the word prostitute was used actually, but Meg sure heard it too!  Meg immediately commented, "Well, Vanessa certainly touched more people than a prostitute..."  I couldn't take it... I had to interrupt and tell Meg that was the WORST analogy EVER!  It made us laugh, but I'm sure the woman visiting thought we were crazy... and as you can tell from my blogging, we probably are :)

So for now, I'm losing weight, hitting the gym, and working on my health for my girls.  Vanessa always wanted us to be an example for the girls, and I feel I owe it to her, to my health, and for the girls, to start taking care of my body. Our health is a gift and we should at least work on trying to respect that gift with some care and attention.

To close out this midday blog... Vanessa's weight, hair and appearance may have changed over the years through the battle with cancer, but her smile never did... all the way until the end.  Below are just  a handful of pictures that highlight the changes, but never compromised her smile or her faith.
I LOVE YOU VANESSA!

 

 

 

 

 

Our last picture together in the hospital on Friday...
The day before her coma and 2 days before she passed.
EVEN IN PAIN, SHE WAS STILL SMILING!

Our last picture. Feb, 19th, early Sunday morning, before heading home,
I had the strange urge to take this picture... she would pass that afternoon