You know when you know... you know?

Finding 'the one' doesn't always happen... I don't know why Vanessa and I were brought together, and I'm struggling with the fact she was taken.  I was very productive this morning at work, but when I stumbled across some reminders, the rest of the afternoon was a struggle

I made the mistake of looking at old emails during my lunch break today.  I have debated all day about posting this with it being so private, but it's stuck in my head and I really don't feel like being awake all night. I pray my daughters will know what love should look like and be based off of.  Now granted, Vanessa and I weren't always 'perfect loving Christians'... we did have our occasional drunken arguments among other things.  BUT, our love was founded on principles that I think are required to make any marriage or relationship last... you'll read about them in her email.

Below is her 1st email to me... after our 1st date... and I knew right away, she was the one for me...

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01/17/07 at 1:57 AM

During my 3 plus hours (including the times I had to turn
around, getting lost) of riding in the car back to VA, I had
plenty of time to reflect on the weekend and just what I
wanted... and the reasons behind it, so here it goes…

My reason for coming to Pamlico to visit you:

To see if we would actually work out and to find out
the real you. To see if I am comfortable around you.
I knew and now realize after being in Pamlico how much it
means to you. So it was more of observing you in your “natural
environment.” :)

Also to let it sink in that you are a father and that it is
something to not take lightly when it comes to getting
involved in a relationship. I knew you had kids, you talked
about them but it has never been a factor in deciding whether
you were something I wanted to pursue. So at first I thought
maybe I was just in denial and once I actually saw that you
were a father that it would become a factor and I would
rethink my decision about liking you.

What I like about you: Here we go…

Let’s just touch on the morals and religion part since I have
made a lot of references to God already. By no means am I the
most religious person because God knows I drink like a fish
but I love going to church on Sunday. I love singing in the
choir and being with my family at church. I honestly with my
heart believe God has a purpose for each and everyone and
that he doesn’t promise it will be easy but he will be right
beside you to guide you. Every mistake every road taken
teaches you something and everyone you encounter you can
learn from. Relating this back to you after I have rambled on
it is very honorable, respectable and says a lot about your
character that you pray before each meal and take your girls
to church. You have no idea how important it is for me and
means to me. I think that everyone has a free choice to what
and whether they believe but that you should do all that you
can to guide them in the right direction. I just couldn’t
imagine after some things that you have been through that you
still feel it is important to take your girls to church.
Makes me happy thinking about it.

I just like you being you and comparing this to past
relationships and in general it was more of the longing to be
physical.  With you it is so much more than that and has
subsistence to it. I just want to lay on the couch with you
and laugh and tell you everything that I have ever thought,
learned and been happy about. (I think this is my scary,
creepy part of the email) Also, side note, I type like I am
actually talking to the person and you did that in your email
earlier and I cracked up because it had so many “…”
I honestly don’t go looking for things we have in common
either it is just you will say something and/or do something
and it is just creepily so like me that I have to laugh
because I see me doing it. And I have never said creepy as
much as I have this month in a whole year. Ha ha back on task…

I like that you are optimistic, goodness you have no idea. I
think this is the biggest factor in why I like you so much
because you always find those people that are optimistic yet
hard on their selves. Everyone has bad times, fact of life.
That is all I will say about that because optimism speaks for
itself, and best way to describe it “happy people, make me
happy.” :)

This isn't proofread nor did i reread it because im tired and
honestly i cant stress over it because i wrote it at one
point for some purpose and the way i said it for some reason
and i didnt edit it after i got off the phone with you
haha :) goodnight i miss you so much and just want to be with
you right now.

Vanessa
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Again, I probably shouldn't have shared this, but I think the positives far out weigh the negatives... I loved that woman so much from day one, and anyone around us then could see it!  We had it bad for each other...

We would joke about it by saying, "you know when you know... you know?" meaning we just knew we were meant to be together.  My sister Kristy picked on me constantly saying I was worse than being smitten... I was the 'Smut of the smitten.'  Vanessa even racked up a $1000 cell phone bill during the 1st month of us being together... back before unlimited text plans.  Her dad jokes us to this day saying, "I love you... no, I love you... no, I love you."

What people didn't see was the faith in God and the foundation our relationship started on.  Vanessa use to freak me out when she said she was praying for our girls and their 'future husbands.'  It made me very uncomfortable, but she would say... he's out there whether you like it or not.  You need to be praying to God that he's making the right choices and will be a positive influence in the life of you daughter.

I pray that my daughters find someone like Vanessa in their lives.  Someone to love them, argue with them, build them up, challenge them, but most importantly, make them grow in their relationship with God.  This is why I am sharing... I pray this blog brings someone closer to God.  I pray it helps my girls (and any kid out there dating) understand what it takes to make a relationship work.  It's not always pretty.  There's ups, downs, good days, bad days, laughs, tears and the occasional fight.

Vanessa and I loved each other in the beginning when things were new.  We loved each other through the middle when times were good and when times got bad.  We loved each other through all the sickness and pain... because of what we started with and what we built upon.

This is why I love her so much more today.

I feel better now that I've said it :)  Tonight was an eventful evening with Annie's team winning at Plymouth to make the 1A State Final Four in basketball!?!?!  Also, Madison plays in her Final Four basketball game tomorrow night.  The calendar is filling back up and it's good to see them all smiling again. Like everything else, being at the game tonight reminded me of Vanessa.  She and I made the trip to Plymouth to watch our girl's basketball team last year in the same round... without us having a kid on the team.  She was just always there...

"Normal" Work Day...

After last night's blogging I realized Madison had gotten in her bed without even asking to sleep in my room.  We had said our prayers and she went right to sleep... she's lucky.  She amazes me with her peace with all of this.  I hope it continues, but I was worried about her returning to school.

I sat up in bed dreading Monday.  I wasn't ready for the girls to go back to school, or me to go back to work.  I missed Vanessa and wanted to hear her voice again.  I went through my phone looking for videos just to hear her voice.  I listened to her speech at Get Your Pink On, and for the 'Don't Ignore Stage IV' campaign... https://www.facebook.com/cowellanderson/videos/10100290560396812/

I just wanted to hear her talk to me.  I wanted to ask her what to do about Madison.  And then it hit me... her phone! Maybe she had a few videos on her phone?  I plugged in her phone and eagerly awaited it to turn on.  As soon as it opened I got really depressed.  Her screensaver was a picture of us in our Steelers wear at Christmas hugging... it made me miss her.  There was also an app she had downloaded for our upcoming trip to Scotland... it made me mad that will miss out on so many things together (this could be a novel/blog in itself!).

When I regained my focus from wandering about all that will be missed, I looked for her media gallery.  One of the very last pictures she took was a ride we had with the 4-wheeler.  She was not feeling good that day (2 Sunday's ago), so I helped her get to the 4-wheeler and we rode the afternoon away.  She loved just riding through the woods.  The picture below was taken by her when we were headed back to the house.  We both were just awestruck by the sun as we made our way back to the house.  When we got home and in the house, Thomas Rhett's 'Die a Happy Man' was playing on our radio.  I stopped, took her hands, and attempted to dance (something I'm not very good at).  We both held each other and cried... the quest for a video had taken a bad turn and I was really not feeling good about the next day now.  It's crazy how 1 picture can bring back so many emotions, and here I am holding hundreds of her pictures just before trying to go to bed... not a good combination!

Somehow, I remembered what I was supposed to be looking for on her phone in the first place... the video.  I then opened her videos and found the following short, simple, perfect and amazing 4 second video clip.  Just an image of her blanket as she sat in the hospital the week before, and the 1 sentence, "You know what the girls can handle."  Couldn't be anymore direct than that?!?!

I eventually fell asleep with a little more peace in the day ahead.  This morning was amazing with all sorts of reminders at good thoughts as we got ready for work and school.  First, I couldn't help but notice the plant Vanessa was obsessed with, was finally blooming... it was one of the only plants she had 'successfully' nurtured...

Happy from the flower, I turned on the radio... wouldn't you know it, Bob Marley, "3 Little Birds"  Now, I'm singing, "don't worry, about a thing..."  The day can't start much better than that.  I got the girls out the door on time for school and sat down to enjoy my coffee before heading into work.  I couldn't help but feel the sun on my face and thought about 'Let me feel you shine' from Crowder.  I asked Pandora to play Crowder... instead of the happy upbeat song, I got a sad song from her funeral, 'He loves us' by Crowder.  My mood crashed and I was not feeling the day ahead now.  Sitting at the table, I began to feel the sun radiating on my face.  My cheek burned from the glaring sun beaming through the bay window.  It felt as if Vanessa was pressing her face against mine... what an amazing feeling.

When 'He loves us' stopped, it was followed by Chris Tomlin's 'How great is our God'... I could leave the house now... all I think about when I hear that song is Mike Twine singing in a Pakistani voice.  I laughed and then made my way to the office.

Work wasn't too bad.  Let's just say I'm glad I don't work with heavy equipment or oversee a nuclear power-plant... my mind did wander from time to time, but I did get things accomplished.  I couldn't help but wonder how Madison was doing in school.  I finally couldn't take it anymore and called the school.  Mrs. Melanie said that Madison was doing fine and she had not been up to the front office at all.  She volunteered to head to the classroom and check, but I told her that wouldn't be needed.

I finalized things at the office and headed to the bank to make some deposits for work.  I was then headed home to meet Madison, but first thought to stop by and visit with Vanessa at the cemetery.   Everything was still the same.  Dink was still visible in the dirt by her grave, the tent was still up, and flowers still outlined the area where her casket had been laid.  The only thing different was someone had picked what looked to be camellia flowers and put in her vase.  I guess someone had seen the empty vase from my previous images and decided to bring her some?  They had begun to wilt, so I figured I would bring some flowers to her this afternoon with Madison.  I then headed home to wait for Madison.

The cemetery did give me somewhat of a downswing in my mood.  I sat home worrying about Madison and her day and I just felt down.  Then all of a sudden, Madison busts through the door screaming (in her 'normal' voice), "today was the best day ever!"  Well... I guess she managed the day okay?  She had gotten lots of love from her friends and teachers, and even got a special stuffed animal from Mrs. Potter.  I love our County Schools!

Madison and I reviewed her homework and then headed out the door to get flowers, stop by to see her mom and then head to her playoff basketball game.  We went to Michael's to get flowers, because that's where Vanessa would always go with her wreaths and arrangements.  Madison picked out some tulips for her mom... as only she could, and we headed to the cemetery to give Vanessa her flowers.

We kept the visit short and sweet... I didn't want to overdo it with Madison on her 1st visit.  Actually, I think it was perfect.  We then headed to her game, where she had a ton of rebounds and 6 points... 4 for her team and 2 for the other team!  'Some parent' kept screaming for her to grab a rebound and shoot it back up.  Well... she did!  Just happened to be on the wrong goal.  Guess I'll try to stop coaching so much from the sidelines?

It was a great game and I'm sure her mom was smiling down the entire time.  We came home, had dinner and then showered.  I had her read for a half hour and before we knew it, it was bedtime.  We made it through the day with no train wreck!!!

I am going to try and refrain from 'blogging' tomorrow.  I want to save these posts for when special reminders happen, not just a journal of my random emotions.  I feel these 1st three entries are significant due to them being 'firsts.'  I just pray the days to follow continue to be filled with God's grace and Vanessa's gentle reminders... they are undoubtedly the things that are getting me through.

Goodnight and I'll see you when I can't sleep again!

I LOVE MY CHURCH!

It has been a week since the passing of Vanessa, and that realization hit me hard this morning when getting the girls up and ready for church.  I find it very fitting that Vanessa's last day on Earth was a Sunday.  It brings new purpose to each Sunday and will undoubtedly be a motivating factor to get out of bed and get my butt to church every Sunday I can.

I knew making it through church was going to be a struggle... especially with the music.  Vanessa would always make me cry when she raised her hands during worship.  It reminded me of my sister Kristy and her love for God and music.  Luckily, the church started with very upbeat and 'happy' songs.  I was worried though, we usually take it down a notch and get serious just before the sermon.  Wouldn't you know it... Hillsong's Oceans!?!?!  That song can get you if you focus in on the words, even if you aren't going through something...

I had a support mechanism on hand just for this case and was somewhat prepared.  Kevin Reese often records performances of his 'special renditions' of the coming week's music.  I tried to lean on the thought of his 'beautiful' voice to keep me from crying in front of the church.  You'll have to see what I mean:
https://www.facebook.com/kereesesr/videos/10210265369208270/

I fought it for as long as I could, but when Madison grabbed my hand, I was done.

Dave's message this morning was still focused in the book of Acts.  He spoke of the boldness of Peter and John in the face of adversity, and putting faith in Jesus in carrying them through. He ended the service with showing this picture of Vanessa, and spoke about her and her struggle with cancer.  He spoke about her faith, her love of God and never questioning his will through it all.

I am so proud to call Vanessa my wife and I am so happy that I stumbled upon the verse that best describes her time here on Earth... Romans 12:12

I ask that you listen to our church service if you are able.  The message on Vanessa will be found on the link below under the title "The Book of Acts - week 5" during the closing minutes of the podcast:
http://tworiverschurch.podbean.com/  It may take a few days before it is uploaded, but it will be there soon... please listen.

If you have a church, go and continue to seek God.  Don't take this life for granted... it can be gone in the blink of any eye.  If you don't have a church, I'd like to invite you to Two Rivers Church... the singing from Kevin Reese alone will make it worth your time :)

Lastly, I ask for prayers as we face the week ahead and try to return to a 'normal' schedule.  The girls will head back to school tomorrow.  I will try to head back to work.  I'm scared of how Madison and I will face each day.  Today I found myself wanting to breakdown in Food Lion while grocery shopping because of a song playing in the store.  Luckily, people know how cheap I am and how much money I have to spend on keeping my growing girls fed... me crying while grocery shopping is not an unusual sight :)

The day after

I've come to the realization that my 'mental purges' on Facebook/Instagram have exceeded the space allowed. Also, many people may not want to read everything on my mind.  It gets pretty confused and jumbled up there.  There's a time and a place for everything.  Before, I used Instagram and Facebook as a way to ask for prayer for my family and Vanessa.  It was a great tool and there were many times that I was amazed by the comments and shares. I could visually see the hope and determination in Vanessa's eyes as she would read through so many of the comments of encouragement, prayer and love.  Also, Instagram stops after 2,200 characters... making me shut up and keep things to the point.  Well, that ain't happening here.  Madison wanted to stay the night with my mom, and I honestly wasn't ready for it! But, I've got to grow up sometime. So, if I'm going to sleep anytime tonight, I need to get this out of my head.

Losing Vanessa is undoubtedly the most difficult thing I have ever gone through.  The past few days have been a blur filled with a lot of emotions... sadness, laughs in shared memories, anger, peace, and on and on.  One thing is certain, the last few days have been filled with miracles and guidance from Vanessa's spirit.  I wanted to share the events from Friday earlier, but I have made a promise to myself to turn off the phone and focus on my girls when they need me. Tonight I have no excuse. I hope to try and read through some of the messages from friends and family. It's been hard. I appreciate the love shown, but each message makes me miss her a little more.  First things first, lets get Friday out of my head and I'll fill it up again tonight if I can't fall asleep.

The funeral service Thursday was nothing short of a miracle. I was beyond 'out of it' mentally with every decision I had to make.  The only thing that made it happen was the guidance left from Vanessa.  She had entered her wishes in a journal, 2 years to the date before she passed away, February 19th, 2015. Call it coincidence, I call it God's plan...

There are very few things in life that are 'perfect.' And honestly, I was in complete OCD mode with Vanessa's service and wanted to make it a true testament to the amazing woman she was. I had a few issues with the funeral home, but the LOVE, the MEAL, the MUSIC and MESSAGE from Two Rivers Church was UNDOUBTEDLY under the direction of God. I could not have imagined (even though I had tried to plan it) a more beautiful tribute to the life of Vanessa. I love my Two Rivers Church family and can never thank them enough for what they did in honoring my wife.

I asked for a mile and they traveled to the moon & back! I am forever thankful!

Below is a small excerpt of Dave's 16 page message.  I hope to be able to post the entire thing online one day. There may even be a chance that the church posts a video of the service...

Thursday after the funeral I felt at peace. Everything had gone absolutely perfect except 2 things.
1) A stain on Vanessa's casket liner from our makeup (which I scrubbed out like a maniac over a 5 minute period... this is only funny due to the fact Vanessa had done this to me after every meal I had over the last 10 years)
2) Was a 'sales pitch' given by the Funeral Director at the conclusion of the service.  I honestly didn't pay much attention to it, but several people stated he stopped just short of passing out business cards... more on this later.
Back to the feeling of peace, the family came together at the church for a wonderful meal and spent time together.  It was the perfect thing following the service.

Later that night, I had to have a few moments to myself. I decided to spend time out by our fire pit. The smell of the fire reminded me of all the nights Vanessa and I had spent together just enjoying conversation. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks... I was lost. Everything I had been focusing on was gone. It felt like a puzzle that had been dropped and the pieces scattered.  Luckily Madison came to my rescue and said she was tired and ready for bed.  I was able to get a few hours of sleep that night, but sat there most of the night thinking about the mistake I had made by not using Bryant Funeral Home!?!?! Vanessa was an adopted 'County Girl' through our marriage. She should have been with Bryant.  In my haze following her death, I had no clue where to turn. I told the hospital to take her to the closest place between the hospital and the church... that was Cotton. Unfortunately, I had issues with them for my sister Kristy's funeral service... I felt horrible.

Another thing running through my brain was the image of a young woman out front of Cotton on Tuesday... the image was haunting me. She was crying hysterically because of the business that is death. Cotton requires payment in full before any service is preformed. I had learned the hard way following the death of my sister. I was somewhat prepared with Vanessa, but it broke my heart to see someone in that predicament.  I now feel led to create some type of awareness campaign, or informational handout, that can guide people when choosing something as important as a funeral home. It's my fault for not doing prior planning, but I felt that doing so was 'giving up' on Vanessa. The truth is, we all will face death some day. If you can plan, plan. If you are faced with an unexpected death, I hope that there will some day be a step in-between hearing, 'you have just lost a loved one', and then immediately choosing a funeral home.  I want to do something.

Lastly, I needed to return some thanks to those that made her service so special.  I wanted to find some type of gifts for the people at Two Rivers that had been so instrumental in making Vanessa's service so wonderful.  I now had 3 goals for the next day... I had something to look forward to, and holding Madison, I finally fell asleep...

The next morning I felt great! I got a few hours of sleep for the first time in weeks, and Madison woke up beside me and asked to go eat breakfast after we dropped Annie off at school. While taking Ricky (our dog) outside, I looked up to see the most beautiful image... it looked like the sun was beaming directly at me as it rose. It gave me a feeling of joy and peace that can't be explained. I felt like Vanessa was reaching from heaven to hug me that morning. Below is an image behind my house of that morning. The image doesn't give it justice, but you can see the light as it shown through the trees... directly at me.

After dropping Annie off to school, Madison and I went for breakfast at one of Vanessa's favorite places, Charlie's (I told you she was a County Girl!).  Madison of course ordered Vanessa's favorite, french toast. On the way home she blindsided me with the hardest question I had ever faced. Madison asked, "If you could have mom come back from Heaven, would you?"  I was speechless.  I thought and answered as honestly as I could. I told her that 'I' would like to hold mom again. To see her face and be with her... that was my selfishness. But, mom was now in a place with no pain, no sadness. Mom was in a place of perfection for eternity. I did my best to explain eternity, and told her that it was now our job to follow after mom and to one day join her in that perfect place. I can honestly say that I did not answer that one on my own... I had someone guiding me with that answer.

We returned home to see Pow-Pow (Vanessa's Dad) and Meg planting flowers in the yard. It was a great feeling to see them caring for her memory and leaving reminders of her that will pop up over the year's ahead. I then had to go back down the county and to Goldsboro to pick up 'gifts' for some of the church. These gifts were nothing I had to buy, but had been given to Vanessa. Several friends had offered tickets to the UVA-NC State basketball game (Vanessa's favorite team was UVA... also, the favorite team of our preacher).  These gifts were not thought of, or given by me, it was yet another example of Vanessa making things right and returning the favor. While down the County, I stopped by Bryant Funeral Home to apologize for the one mistake I had made regarding her burial. I should have used Bryant, and I was going to make sure my kids did not have to make the choice. I am making my arrangements with them and will do my best to make sure others will have the knowledge they need to do the same.

I finished the afternoon by stopping by Cotton to state my concerns over the lady out front crying and the 'sales pitch' that was said at the conclusion of Vanessa's service. I wanted to make sure it was done face to face. I felt things were complete other than dropping off the last gifts. I felt Vanessa would be proud, so I decided to stop by the grave to visit...

Stopping at the grave was not easy. I was composed until I looked down and saw the word 'Dink' written in the dirt around her grave. There was no doubt it was from her dad. Dink was her nickname and he called her that all the time. I began to ball like a baby. I hurt and could not stop crying...

As I sat there sobbing, I happened to pick my head up and couldn't believe the sight in front of me. The same ray of light peered through the trees directly at me. I can't explain the feeling, but it helped stop the tears and made me feel at ease. I am thankful for all the memories we shared. I am thankful for the time we had, and I am thankful for the love she showed that will one day direct me to be by her side once again...

There are so many other stories that I want to share that took place over the last weeks of Vanessa's life, and the week after her passing.  From the Buddy the Elf suit that our worship leader, Greg Coverdale, was willing to wear; to the story of Carissa Sanders, From the Heart Florist, preparing the Sigma Kappa themed casket spray (and the countless Valentines Day's she had helped me... even when I bought flowers from grocery stores); to the surprise visit from Jeremy Forbes in the hospital at 2:00am, and on, and on.  Maybe I will find time to share them, but for now, my mind is a little less full and I feel that I may be able to sleep?!?!?!  With that said, I plan to pray before bed and to end my prayer the way I have for the past 10 years after meeting Vanessa. "God, help me be a better Christian, a better father and a better husband."  Because of Vanessa, I feel that I am better at all 3 today.

I LOVE YOU MORE VANESSA!