Learning to use my insomnia o_0

May is anniversary month.... and there are a million reminders everywhere

I'm not sure if it's just reminders from this time of year when Vanessa was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, my recent trip to Virginia and all the memories of her, our upcoming 'would've been' 10th year anniversary or whatever the case may be?  But, I am having difficulty shutting my brain off and getting sleep.  So tonight I decided to use the new found time for some productivity and did a mass media campaign for some upcoming meetings and processed a bunch of license and paperwork... now let's see if I can get some sleep?

One thing I have decided to do is restart a little blogging from time to time to empty out some thoughts.  It really seemed to help before, so I'm hoping it can do the same again.  I figured it was needed after an episode earlier this week when a mobile pizza truck brought me to tears... yes, a pizza truck.  Vanessa would always joke about the pizza truck that would pop up at Broad Creek every Monday.  It was one of the ways she could remember days after her brain tumor diagnosis.  For some reason it was just too much to deal with for me.

There's been a million reminders this week blowing up my Facebook 'On this date' due to her diagnosis and the out pour of prayer and community support.  I've also started trying to work through all the piles of paper that were dropped after her passing... hence the late night work and license processing.

Today's big reminder was finding a letter she had saved in the Kia glove compartment I had sent to her almost 9 years ago... it brought back a lot of great memories and reminded me how strong our love was.

I'm learning to focus on positives and good memories to keep me heading in the right direction, and there are surely a million after looking through memories of all the support our family received after her stage 4 diagnosis and following her passing.  I can't thank our friends and family enough... we've had so much help and I cannot tell you with words how thankful I really am.  Plus, it's hard to even write coherent sentences at 2:00am :)

Below is a post from 4 years ago... it talks about all the support we received and the struggles she faced defying the odds of the 3 months she was given at the time of her stage 4 diagnosis.  I'm so thankful for every 'extra day' we were together and all of the support you gave to help make it happen... thank you! thank you! thank you!

Just another bipolar roller-coaster kinda day...

Over the past few months I have discovered that Facebook is a good thing to limit... especially for those dealing with their own issues.  It's amazing all the negativity and garbage people post.  I will say that the good does outweigh the bad most days, but focusing on my own issues has really helped.  I'd 'unplug' completely if I could, but I use it for way too many things with work and for the Boosters... so, it has become a limited thing at best.  I try not to venture to far from tasks and have limited my time... it has helped me tremendously.

The last few days have been okay, but reminders can send me spiraling quickly in the wrong direction if I let it.  I'm still in the process of finalizing things with the cemetery and with trying to figure out all of the medical bills.  I'm so thankful for Vanessa's mom and dad, and for all their help through this.  I know it is rough on them with the constant reminders too, but both of them have been there to help me emotionally and financially... to which I can never thank them enough.  Their support is the only thing that has helped me get through the funeral service, burial and hospital issues.  It's unbelievable everything that is involved in the process.

So, as far as the random blogging today, I just need to clear my thoughts and try to keep being productive at work.  I've been very lucky the past month and have been catching up with hidden issues that were dropped during February.  I can honestly say that there are a few piles of papers and items at home, and in the office, that were just dropped at the time of Vanessa's passing.  I've managed to work my way through a lot of it, and each item is a reminder of that time and takes me back if I let it.

This morning started off well.  I had to take Madison and Annie to school because Meg had an FFA trip and had to leave early.  It was great to leave the house early and have the distraction.  We let Ricky ride with us to school... which is always entertaining and enjoyable.  When returning home to drop off Ricky and head to work, I noticed the papers I needed to take to the cemetery to finalize the headstone order for Vanessa.  The only thing missing was printing off the pictures of her that will be in a cameo on the headstone.  Just beside it was more mailings from UNC and CarolinaEast, so I figured to be very productive today and knock them all out while heading to the office.  I called UNC, and I 'think' everything there is final?!?!?!  It only took about an hour and 4 different calls.  I then decided to drop off the pictures for printing (and let me say, anytime I look through pictures it hurts) and then go across the street to CarolinaEast to figure out their 20+ billing statements.  I was able to get most of it figured out and at least consolidated in a few minutes.  I took the opportunity to update my dad's hospital information, and actually had a very productive visit without too much of an issue.

I then grabbed the pictures, finalized all the headstone order and then it hit... I really missed her today.  I stopped by the grave and just missed her.  Talking to flowers doesn't do much good, so I decided to try and find anything with her voice on it.  I unfortunately don't have a lot of videos of Vanessa... every time I started videoing, Madison HAD to get in the middle and be the center of attention.  I can sympathize being the baby in my family.  What I did find today helped so much.  It lightened my mood and actually made me smile... Vanessa's laugh.  God, how I miss that laugh.

I sat by her grave for awhile and just listened to it over and over again.  I finally made my way to the office, still a little emotionally distracted, and decided it was time to post something.  So... here it all is.  I've dumped my thoughts, saved and shared a video of the greatest laugh in history and hopefully preserved a memory for Madison that she can always lean on.

I hope you enjoy the laughter as much as I did... it truly saved my day and gave me so many wonderful memories.

I LOVE YOU MORE VANESSA!!!